tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24842038228740207582024-03-05T14:45:48.517+02:00CYNIC HARAREDetractor is a farm vehicle!Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-64601837516527730412017-02-17T18:21:00.001+02:002017-02-17T18:33:34.570+02:00People welcome corpse as leaderPeople of a troubled African nation have welcomed news that they may soon have a corpse as a leader, saying they believed it may do a better job of running the country.<br />
<br />
At a rally, the country's most successful typist, also known as the First Secretary, announced to a crowd that: "When he dies, his corpse will take over. That’s how popular he is."<br />
<br />
Political analysts said this statement of saying the corpse would be as popular as the current leader was a major understatement. “It’s an understatement,” said one analyst, stating the fucking obvious. “Actually, the corpse will in fact be more popular. Seeing it will bring much joy to many.”<br />
<br />
However, some were hugely surprised to hear they will vote for a corpse, as they were unaware that their leader was still alive all along.<br />
<br />
"I am hugely surprised,” said one man, expressing huge surprise. “I was unaware that he was still alive all along. Looking at the beloved country, there is nothing to show that it is actually led by anyone.”<br />
<br />
Even the People From All Walks of Life, a shadowy group that appears every night on ZBC to hail any BS that comes out of the backsides of the country's gallant leadership, welcomed the news of a new leader, even a dead one.<br />
<br />
“How worse can a corpse be?” said a senior member from People From All Walks of Life, asking nobody in particular.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-90731863861941950662016-02-05T14:38:00.003+02:002016-02-05T14:58:39.663+02:00Ruling party hails drought, says people with full stomachs are a problem<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3wgRTUa_UqKKvL5QlOhncQWCZCZYMe4jZJB1IYyu3PK2PGPvMh0Ht6fiDccow1CB0XiG6Nb-bTiaKWPI4x_3VfRCk44iqdytwTjef5XUD8v2fMbKhwR0CllseD3wPVcZnpbNPr-TcaZgI/s1600/donor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3wgRTUa_UqKKvL5QlOhncQWCZCZYMe4jZJB1IYyu3PK2PGPvMh0Ht6fiDccow1CB0XiG6Nb-bTiaKWPI4x_3VfRCk44iqdytwTjef5XUD8v2fMbKhwR0CllseD3wPVcZnpbNPr-TcaZgI/s320/donor.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Add caption</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The Ruling Party has hailed the drought, saying
people with full stomachs are a problem.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been announced that 3 million people in the country
will go hungry because of poor rainfall in all parts of the country. A
spokesman for the Party said the Politburo had welcomed the news.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I can confirm that the Politburo has welcomed the news,”
the spokesman said, while picking pieces of T-bone steak from his teeth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He explained: “People who have full stomachs are a serious
problem to the party. They're hard to control.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He carried on: “Imagine. If people are able to fend for
themselves, who would come to Mother's rallies and ululate and dance for her
donations of maize, soap, cooking oil and second hand clothes? Imagine!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He then explained the party policy: “You see, our party is a party of the poor. This is
why we keep creating more of them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One rather large chef told us what happened when he went to
his village near Mupinyiwasvotoka hoping to hold a totally useless rally, as per party
policy. “I went to my village near Mupinyiwasvotoka, hoping to hold a totally useless
rally, as per party policy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"This was in 2012 after the inconvenient bumper
harvest. Nobody came to the rally, imagine, even though I had brought free stuff. Imagine. I was
informed by my spies that this was because these silly villagers had had good
harvests and all their stomachs were full. So they didn’t need my generous
generosity. Imagine.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He said it was as if people came to rallies for free food
and not to listen to important speeches about Zimasset and Rhodesians and gamatox and One Centre of Power and Bush and Blair and territorial integrity and sovhereniti.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At that point, one of his unwise bootlickers whispered: “Eh,
shefu, people actually do go to rallies for food, and not to listen to speeches
about Zimasset and Rhodesians and gamatox and One Centre of Power and Bush and Blair and territorial integrity and sovhereniti.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At which point the bootlicker was immediately arrested. He is now
helping police with investigations. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrkNYujtkdhEWLrXD39EHOmrU-mbLhCU1BvTZ8la105jWeYCiZMMLuWErplbw_o8ltVeXxavv2TM2a0hEU_1J34QJkM9m3oRUZl130JtIT47Ig_Rf4zjgQl-U4As14l4S2__nu3KzKTz9R/s1600/donor+2.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="184" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrkNYujtkdhEWLrXD39EHOmrU-mbLhCU1BvTZ8la105jWeYCiZMMLuWErplbw_o8ltVeXxavv2TM2a0hEU_1J34QJkM9m3oRUZl130JtIT47Ig_Rf4zjgQl-U4As14l4S2__nu3KzKTz9R/s320/donor+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People from All Walks of Life, a secret organization that
appears every night on ZBC TV news to hail any new shit done by the people’s
party, has hailed the drought. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One member of the People From All Walks of Life said: “I hail
the drought. It will create more poor people, who are the vanguard of the
revolutionary party. Even me I don't want a full stomach. I don't want to be a problem.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-50980436896895138422015-04-24T10:43:00.000+02:002015-04-24T11:08:31.929+02:00Revealed: Plot behind Leader's endless trips<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5JKktbMWvaRfoyCCJmhwmfOZvS7GyRD1C0o2PTaHRjImUum_hj2ppslFZ6x0JvS6zsQ45BZnVBgsfzK7FzqiYFraFGF27LfiRGCJ_QzdlWk_AEbFBeWIR-f71DAGhFz4ii4BcVFBhEywd/s1600/stairs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5JKktbMWvaRfoyCCJmhwmfOZvS7GyRD1C0o2PTaHRjImUum_hj2ppslFZ6x0JvS6zsQ45BZnVBgsfzK7FzqiYFraFGF27LfiRGCJ_QzdlWk_AEbFBeWIR-f71DAGhFz4ii4BcVFBhEywd/s1600/stairs.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;"><em>The Presidential Stability Team in action.</em></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It has now
been revealed that the endless trips our leader is being forced to take are part of a dirty plot by the Mujuru cabal to keep him out of
the country as much as possible.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Since being
booted out by Dr Amai, the
cabal has counterattacked by secretly arranging a number of endless and pointless trips
for Dear Leader, thereby denying the people a chance to have an actual leader. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“It is a
conspiracy to deny the country of leadership. It is clearly working,” said a senior minister, who had
just accompanied The Head of State and Global Hair Dye Ambassador on a trip
somewhere in the middle east, from which the minister had been paid enough
allowances to allocate equally to his two wives and three small houses,
including Bibiana, the troublesome one who is always demanding skin lightening
creams and Brazilian hair.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"We suspect that the dirty Mujuru cabal were behind our leader's ascension to the SADC and AU leadership. They knew it would keep him away from the country."</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A member of
the Mujuru faction was asked to confirm whether there was a plot to keep the
leader away from the country. In a reply that analysts said could be seen as
confirming that there was plot to keep the leader away from the country, the
man said: “I confirm that there is a plot to keep the leader away from the country.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A member of
the People From All Walks of Life castigated the endless trips, saying they
were clearly part of a plot to keep the leader away from the country. “We
castigate these endless trips, as they are clearly part of a plot to keep our leader
away from the country,” she said when interviewed on the streets, but close to
the Zanu offices on Fourth Street, which is where most ZBC interviews with People
From All Walks of Life are held.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Leader
has now been to so many countries in such a short space of time that, at times,
he gets confused and forgets whether he is coming or going, or even where the
fuck he is. He has now hired a Chief Presidential Reminder (CPR), whose job it
is to remind him where the fuck he is now. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At one time,
after landing, The Leader complained loudly, ‘why are there no Zanu supporters from
Epworth and Mbare to welcome me here? Why have they not thronged the airport? Where
are my people?’ At which point the Chief Presidential Reminder
quietly whispered; ‘My Leader, we are actually at Congo airport’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-63310336470889850942015-03-17T17:15:00.002+02:002015-03-17T17:16:30.605+02:00The Book of Factions: Verse 1-16<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_jq58azRzPQTf-RM7XJ6dqCsBNDnPhbqJWHcy_IPBgVu9iGn5Hn1X9S3n1ceqP48rst6uRx94tS7ESDhGCUrybcIi8_vVNhhY-Y2mHxxUnlQgI6pN2aPD9S-SyrnO9v_ZKxrXGtFznTsi/s1600/sol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_jq58azRzPQTf-RM7XJ6dqCsBNDnPhbqJWHcy_IPBgVu9iGn5Hn1X9S3n1ceqP48rst6uRx94tS7ESDhGCUrybcIi8_vVNhhY-Y2mHxxUnlQgI6pN2aPD9S-SyrnO9v_ZKxrXGtFznTsi/s1600/sol.jpg" height="400" width="248" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><sup><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></sup></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">One day two <strike>women </strike>dumb political factions,
came to <s>King Solomon</s> The Fat Speaker, <span id="en-CEV-7552">and one of
them said:</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Mr Fat Speaker Sir, this bitch and I once lived in the same house.
Not long ago, my <s>baby</s> party was formed,<sup> </sup>and years later,
they claimed my own party was born. Nobody else was there with us, except maybe
a few donors and white farmers and stuff, the usual midwives.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">One night while we were all asleep, something we like to do while The
Wolves of Zanuland are out there looting and plundering and eating children,
she rolled over on her baby, and he died. </span><span id="en-CEV-7555">Well, to
be honest, I wrote a nasty letter to her husband and she sent some young people
to beat me up <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">kuma-grocer pakazara vanhu.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Then while I
was still asleepeth - I told you I like sleeping - she got up and tooketh my party
out of my Harvest House. She then went around telling People from All Walks of
Life that the baby was hers.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In the
morning when I got up to feedeth my son my usual renewal bullshit porridge, I
saw that he was dead. But when I looked at him in the light, which was really a
candle because Zesa were being sons of bitches as usual, I knew he wasn’t my kid.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No!” the
other bitch shouted. “He was your son. My baby is alive! Shiiiit.”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“The dead
baby is yours,” the first chick yelled. “Mine is alive, yoh!”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">They argued back and forth in front of the Fat Speaker, <span id="en-CEV-7558">like two Avenues hookers – Bibiana and Spathodia - argue in
front of a horny ZRP officer, until finally Speaker said unto them bitches, “Bitches!
Both of you say this live baby is yours. </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><span id="en-CEV-7559"></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Someone bring
me a sword.”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A sword – well, more relevantly
an okapi, but in actual fact a rather not-so-violent parliament ruling - was
brought, and Fat Speaker be like, <o:p></o:p></span></span><span id="en-CEV-7560"></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cut the baby in half! That way
each of you motherfuckers can have part of it.”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Please don’t kill my son,” screamed
the so-called baby’s mother. “Mr Fat Speaker Sir, I love him very much. Just
don’t kill him.”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The other woman shouted, “Nah bitch,
Go ahead and cut the motherfucker fam. Then neither of us will have the baby.
If I can’t have him, nobody else can.”</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And so Mr Fat Speaker Sir said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he
pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her” … And
then he said, “Nah, in fact, I’m playing. Cut that kid up…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And, having been watching through
the windows and cheering on the whole thing and smelling blood, the Fat Dirty Bastard
Wolves of Zanuland, barking and salivating, came rushing in through the gates
and feasted upon the baby’s carcass.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Everyone in the land, a country that used to be called Zimbabwe
but has now become Zvimba-bwe after being taken over by a wealthy family from
the mysterious Zvimba monarchy, was amazed when they heard how Mr Fat Speaker
Sir had made his decision.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-3344116607919332252014-11-11T11:17:00.000+02:002015-01-19T09:06:19.455+02:00Only 2 delegates left for congress<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWWKUArhV9p5RFHnSd0vwrmqj-sKlfrghJac2g8XKeMFrXxpMILyqy96OMRpqDoAzhil0g7GlL6yFcLhj5p8k3j84ttFor17FiNYGIeEZBWfYZQxturKZ4Tfx9-99JaSNyvbJBs17wRC1p/s1600/KAUKOND-DEMO-630x419.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWWKUArhV9p5RFHnSd0vwrmqj-sKlfrghJac2g8XKeMFrXxpMILyqy96OMRpqDoAzhil0g7GlL6yFcLhj5p8k3j84ttFor17FiNYGIeEZBWfYZQxturKZ4Tfx9-99JaSNyvbJBs17wRC1p/s1600/KAUKOND-DEMO-630x419.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Herald picture showing how neat Zimbo demonstrators are with their placards</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After a big number of suspensions and firings and chasing away
of many top chefs in the party, it has now been confirmed that only two delegates
are now left to attend the December congress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A spokesman
confirmed that only two delegates are left to attend the congress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Giving details, he said: “Yes. Only two members are left to
attend the December congress.” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He also added that even he himself was no longer attending, as he
would likely also soon be chased down the streets by crowds of skinny men
and large women waving large, neatly printed placards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Although the spokesman refused to name the two delegates, our
sources say the two delegates are a married couple. The man is the owner of the
party, and also, he believes, owner of the country. The woman, formerly known as the First Typist, or, more accurately, the real First Secretary, recently acquired a microwave
doctorate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At the congress, the man will go on the podium and shout the
slogan ‘Pamberi neni’, punching the air. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman, who will be, like, the
whole actual crowd, will shout back ‘Pamberi nemi daddy’, raising her fist, but taking care not to shake it too much, lest one drops that platinum-encrusted Cartier watch, the new one from the exclusive Ballon Bleu de Cartier collection, not that cheap Chanel Premiere bought at the Bawadi Mall in Dubai. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi...Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi... This bullshit will continue for
three days, an insider said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">People from all walks of life, the shadowy group that
appears every night on ZBC to agree with everything, welcomed the development, as they always do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘This means there
will be no more factionalism. Because, as you know, put three Zimbabweans in a room, and they will come out with four factions. So it’s good if only two
people attend,’ said a member of the people from all walks of life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-72347645014533781062014-09-30T11:27:00.001+02:002014-09-30T12:06:42.071+02:00The Triumphal Entry - the Benz Edition<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">Emmanuel 263: Verse 1-12</span></span><br />
<br />
<em>NBJ (The New Bling Version)</em><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">1. As they approached <s>Jerusalem</s>
Harare and came upon the <s>Mount of Olives</s> Harare Kopje, The Prophet sent
two <s>disciples</s> henchmen in shiny suits. He sayeth unto them, </span><span class="wordsofchrist">"Go forth unto the <s>village ahead of you</s> Zimoco Car Dealership,
and you will find a <s>donkey</s> 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one
with the </span><span class="st">12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter
engine</span><span class="wordsofchrist">. Untie <s>the donkey</s> the Benz and
bring it to me.</span><span class="versetext"> </span><span class="wordsofchrist"><span id="mt21-3">If anyone says anything to you, tell him
that <s>the Lord</s> Papa needs it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">2. This took place to fulfill what was
spoken through <s>the prophet</s> a fellow prophet: </span><span id="mt21-5">"Say
to the Daughters of <s>Zion</s> H-Town, 'See, your <s>king</s> Papa comes to
you, gentle and riding <s>on a donkey</s> in a </span><span class="wordsofchrist">2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one with the </span><span class="st">12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter engine</span><span class="versetext">.' "The disciples went and did as <s>Jesus</s> Papa had
instructed them. </span><span class="versenum"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<span id="mt21-7">
</span><span id="mt21-7"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">3. After the exchange of many
shillings and shekels and stuff, reportedly 300 000 of them, the disciples broughteth
<s>the donkey</s> the </span><span class="st">12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG Benz</span><span class="versetext">, and <s>Jesus</s> Papa sat in it. </span><span id="mt21-8">And
it was nice. Especially the hot stone massage seats and hand-made leather interior. Very nice.</span></span></span><br />
<span id="mt21-7">
<br />
</span><span id="mt21-7"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">4. And so a very large crowd spread their <s>cloaks</s>
shiny Chinese jackets on the road (most probably Rotten Row), as <s>Jesus</s> Papa
rode upon the <s>donkey</s> </span><span class="st">12-cylinder, twin
turbocharged 6.0-liter </span><span class="versetext">AMG Benz into the city. The hot sun beateth hard upon the sweating followers on the roads. But how was Papa to know, when this AMG Benz came with pretty top-spec climate control and a well-stocked fridge and stuff? </span></span></span><br />
<span id="mt21-7">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">5. The crowds that went ahead of him
and those that followed shouted, "Hosanna to <s>the Son of David</s> Papa!"
"Blessed is he who comes <s>in the name of the Lord</s> dressed in skinny
jeans, floral Italian shirts and pointy Gucci shoes!" </span><span class="versenum"></span><o:p></o:p></span>
<br />
<span id="mt21-10">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">6. When <s>Jesus</s> Papa entered Harare,
the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who this nigga be?" </span><span class="versenum"><o:p></o:p></span></span>
<br />
<span id="mt21-11">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">7. The crowds of Vana Vemuporofita answered,
"This be <s>Jesus</s> our Papa, the prophet from <s>Nazareth in Galilee</s>
Hurungwe, originally, but now from Borrowdale Brooke."</span><span class="versenum"><o:p></o:p></span></span>
</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><span id="mt21-11"><span class="versetext"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8. <s>Jesus</s> Papa entered the
temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. So that he
alone could be buying and selling there. </span></span></span></span></span><span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><br />
<span id="mt21-11">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">9. He overturned the tables of the
money changers and the benches of those selling doves.</span><span class="versenum"> He then put up his own tables of money changing and the benches
for selling CDs and DVDs and car stickers and wristbands and badges and badly
written pamphlets and stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></span>
<br />
<br />
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><span id="mt21-11"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="wordsofchrist">10. It was written,</span><span class="versetext"> Papa said to them, </span><span class="wordsofchrist">‘My house
will be called a house of prayer’. But, he added, y’all know a lot of nonsense was written.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><span id="mt21-11">
<br />
<span class="wordsofchrist"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">11. And when the <s>Pharisees</s> newspapers
and critics saw all this, they were jealous and stuff. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><span id="mt21-11"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="versetext">12. And so he left them and went out
of the city to <s>Bethany</s> the 5-star Meikles Hotel, where he spent the
night. </span><span class="wordsofchrist"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span id="mt21-7"><span id="mt21-10"><span id="mt21-11">
</span></span></span>Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-43163912225537987552014-06-20T14:50:00.000+02:002015-01-19T09:13:00.486+02:00The ZanuPedia - Chef Lingo Explained<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MINISTRY OF EXPLAINING COMPLICATED SHIT</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It has come to our attention that people from all walks of
life are unable to understand what our patriotic leaders mean when they talk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You all know that our chefs have their kind of language
different from that used by the ignorant masses. Therefore, in an attempt to avoid
confusion, the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Things is
happy to announce this simple guide to help the people decipher chef lingo. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is called the <strong>ZanuPedia</strong>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Herewith some of the more common areas of confusion:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Territorial integrity</b> - ZanuPedia
Definition: Owning more than 27 farms and refusing to give up all that
territory. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sovereignty </b>– The ability of chefs to
shop overseas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The gains of the liberation struggle </b>–
A chef’s bank account, at least three light-skinned small-houses, and those 27 farms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sanctions</b> - An evil spirit that causes
leaders to steal and mismanage resources against their will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Helping Police with investigations</b> – To
be detained, usually illegally, and having your balls kicked in, and your soles
whipped till you admit to stuff like killing Kaguvi or something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">National Security</b> - Protecting chefs
from the hungry masses. It usually involves hiring 45 guards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Regime Change Agenda</b> - Free elections,
free expression, and all that nonsense.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Regime change agent</b> – One who demands above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</span><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Diesel</b> - A magical oily substance that
emerges mysteriously from a rock when it is hit by a mysterious female n’anga’s
magic stick while grown ass men with no shoes look on in amazement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sellout</b> – Any black person who has no
farm.<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Campaign materials</b> – Clubs, whips,
machetes, knives, and some such weapons.<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Campaign strategy </b>– Efficient and consistent use of
the above.<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Indigenisation</b> – Buying without paying. <o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">IndiChinasation</b> – Not to be confused
with number 10. This is the sell-off of national assets to China. <o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dividing the nation </b>– Exposing
corruption<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Anti-revolutionary</b> – Also exposing corruption
<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Unruly elements – </b>People who do 15 and
16</div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Strong leadership –</b> The ability to
eloquently insult white people in the finest English.<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Observers/Experts –</b> Imaginary people
that appear to journalists in visions.<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">20. Youth</b> –
Anyone below the age of 90<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
More shall be added as we get feedback from People from All
Walks of Life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<o:p> <em>By Order:</em></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<o:p><em>Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Shit.</em></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span> </span><br />Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-35227364873066762702014-06-12T12:39:00.002+02:002014-06-12T12:40:15.449+02:00Don't take me too seriously: Says Highest Excellency!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Highest Excellency has revealed the reasons he authorized the appointment
a man he once accused of corruption to head a big parastatal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Many people were shocked when Cde Goodwills, once accused
and then de-accused of corruption publicly by the Highest Excellency himself,
is now the big cahuna at a parastatal where <a href="http://www.herald.co.zw/us3m-cmed-looters-face-arrest/" target="_blank">$3-million recently went missing</a>
due to patriotic procurement and accounting practices. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now His Highest Excellency has explained why he appointed
the guy:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“There are some people who still take me seriously, so I just
wanted to remind them they are being silly,” he said at a press conference. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">People from all walks of life, the shadowy group that
appears on ZBC a lot, said this was a genius move. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“His Highest Excellency is right. It was a genius move. Nobody
should take him seriously after this,” said one person from all walks of life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-80135756596353954892014-06-09T14:59:00.001+02:002014-06-09T16:18:36.623+02:00LEAKED: The Politburo minutes!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Chairman</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: I hereby declare the
meeting opened.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">MuDidymus</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: Wait.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Chairman</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: What for?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">MuDidymus</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: Wait for Rob. You know
him. If we start without him, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">kanoita
pamuromo</i>. Talks too much.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Chairman</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: He’s late. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">looking at his watch, the Rolex he got as a
bribe by a hotel company while still Tourism Minister</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Fat Obert</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: But why is this old
man always late bakithi? We have things to do.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Ignatius wemaStands</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: Ehe. Some of
us have things to do?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Le Crocodile</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: Like what?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Ignatius wemaStands</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: You know,
looting etc, the usual stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Fat Obert</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: I bet you can’t loot
like me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Ignatius wemaStands</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: I bet I can. I
will give you my $80-million airport road for your little $10-million Chiadzwa
bribe. Beat that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Fat Obert</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: Oh yeah? Well, what if
tell you that $10-million was from one company. There’ve been 12 licenses. Do
the maths, Gina.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At which point, the situation deteriorates, with others joining in.
Webster over there with his secret ZBC loans, MuDidymus over here with his 67
farms, others with tales of stolen diamonds, stolen food, zvikwambo and so
forth. All chaotic, really!</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Fat Obert</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">: This old man needs to
shape up. He can’t be keeping us here like this. Bullshit. Who the hell does he
think he is? Nonsense. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">(At that point, Rob the boss walks in)</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fat Obert</b>: Your
Excellency! My dear father! Me, your ever obedient son, I was getting worried
that some horrific misfortune had befallen your wondrous self. Oh, the sight of
you warms my large rectum. Even men with no arms applaud your magnificence. Oh
my dear fath…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Interrupting)…</i> Ok, ok, Obby, that’s
enough for the day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(The others rise and
sing a song in Rob’s praise – some song about a mighty slayer of imperialists,
giver of farms, producer of milk etc)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Chairman</b>: May I
now call this meeting to order. We have no idea why we have been called. That’s
not a problem, because we need not think too much. In fact, we need not think
at all. His Excellency, in his abundant geniusness, does that for us. Over to
you, Your Eminently Eminent Eminence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(after a long pause – in which he adjusts his
glasses, claps, rocks in his chair, generally pausing for effect while surveying
the effect the senseless suspense is having on his henchmen) </i>Well. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">claps hands again</i>). I guess all of you
came here wondering what I, your leader, called you in for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">All</b>: Yes, yes! Speak
to us, Your Excellently Excellent Excellency! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Well. All
this corruption and faction stuff. Madam Spillblood over there, she got her
fairly large knickers in a twist over this. Now, the question is, who here is
corrupt?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(across the room,
people stare at each other, confused)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">MuDidymus</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">: (whispering)</i>. Eh, Your Graciously
Gacious Graciousness, is this a trick question? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: No. Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">MuDidymus</b>:
Because, Almighty Thundering Conqueror, you are asking if any of us is corrupt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Yah. So?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">MuDidymus</b>: Ah, My
Lordship, I think you meant to ask who among us is NOT corrupt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">after thinking about it for a bit</i>). Good
point, Dhidhidhi, good point. Anyway, so, who here is NOT corrupt? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Long pause. Then, at
the back of the room, a hand goes up</i>).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: What is it, Jono?
Are you not corrupt?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jonnie the Prof</b>:
You mean am I corrupt, Sire?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: OK, are you
NOT corrupt?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jonnie the Prof</b>: Am
I corrupt, or am I not corrupt? What is your actual question? Ask a good question,
get a good answer. You don’t need a rocket scientist to…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Interrupts, annoyed</i>) Oh forget it. Goddam
fake intellectuals. Anyway, I said I want to know if anyone here is not
corrupt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">All</b>: (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in chorus</i>) NO, SIR, ALL OF US ARE DIRTY
GREEDY ROTTEN BASTARDS! Sir.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Nice. So,
you tell me (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">banging desk, but avoiding
hurting himself</i>) Who the hell has been going to the papers with all this
corruption bullshit? As if corruption is suddenly illegal in this country.
Who?!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All eyes turn to the
back of the room</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jonnie the Prof</b>:
What? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Madam
Spillblood here says you leaked the whole thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jonnie the Prof</b>: But
who takes her seriously?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at which point, Madam
Spillblood leaps up angrily and sits on Jonnie the Prof’s face and Rob laughs until
he has a mild heart attack and his special medics are called but they get stuck
in traffic coz lights aren’t working and there's a huge hole from a pipe burst on the appropriately named Rotten Row which the city council can't fix because they had no money left after paying council chefs' salaries at which point Ignatius
wemaStands is asked to explain himself but he’s
on the phone to some poor guy who is refusing to hand over his stand and Ignatius
is threatening to have him thrown in fucking boiling oil and Fat Obert is
on the phone asking Zinara if they have finished building the road to his house
in Umguza and all this while MuDidymus is up now spraying some mysterious juju liquid
all over everyone and mumbling some scary vadzimu shit …all chaotic really.
This shit goes on for, like, hours, man. Hours.</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: I’m OK. I’m
OK. Madam Spillblood, get off the boy. Jono, get up from under
there. Stand in the corner. Where was I?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fat Obert</b>: My father, you
were asking who told the media we are thieves, as if it has suddenly become a
crime in this country</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Shut up Obert.
So who told the media we are thieves, as if it has suddenly become a crime in
this country? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Spokesman</b>: The
press is waiting outside, My Lord. What lies should I tell them? It is midnight
and so they’re obviously thinking we must be doing something important, whereas
we are up to our usual nonsense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Madam Spillblood</b>:
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Regaining her composure</i>) Tell them
nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Le Crocodile</b>: I
agree.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Madam Spillblood</b>:
Pfutseke. Stop agreeing with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rob</b>: Tell them
this - the politburo was discussing economic issues up to midnight. Salaries,
the liquidity crisis, jobs, water, ZESA, roads, crops, hospitals and all that other
nonsense people complain about for some reason. Then … (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rob pauses for effect, like a comedian about to unleash a killer
punchline</i>) … Tell them this; We are even going to arrest people for
corruption. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">All chefs</b>: (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loud laughter from everybody</i> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fat men and women rolling in the floor with
laughter</i>) That’s a good one, Your Bright and Shining Eminence; that’s a
good one. You have the funniest jokes. You are the funniest president.
Bwahahaha. The economy?? Workers? Arrest people for corruption?! Bwahaha.
Genius! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Chairman</b>: Meeting
dismissed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And not a single fuck was given that day.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
</div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-24743433421150242332014-03-07T17:47:00.000+02:002014-03-07T18:05:55.698+02:00Break-in at Zanu HQ, tactics stolen<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There has been a break-in at Zanu
headquarters and all its tactics have been stolen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The MDC is the chief culprit
after they were seen openly using them. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Zanu's favourite file, the
violence one, the one labeled ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you
Can’t Beat Them – Beat Them’</i>, has pages missing. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Also missing at Zanu PF HQ are
several other several other tactics files:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Ultimate Guide to Licking the Dear Leader’s Ass’</i> file has pages
missing. Many of Zanu’s usual sycophantic praises have been stolen, even the
old <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Our Leader was Chosen By God’</i>,
which was last seen with one Chamisa in Budiriro. Even the one about <em>Our Leader is Like Moses, </em>which Zanu no longer uses after it was pointed out that Moses never really made it to Canaan.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When All Else Fails, Blame Western Donors for Interfering in Our
Internal Affairs </i>file has also been stolen. Morgan is a suspect after he was seen enthusiastically reading from it at a rally.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The old <em>Fire Anyone That Dares Suggest The Chosen One Has Stayed Too Long And Must Step Down </em>file, has also been stolen.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Police are appealing to anyone
who may have information leading to the recovery of these stolen tactics. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">"As if they don’t know," said a member of the People From All Walks Of Life organization.</span>Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-8050267720569157802014-02-10T10:09:00.000+02:002014-02-10T11:35:22.689+02:00VP endorses corruption, wins succession battle<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mai Mujuru has easily wrapped up the succession battle after
she declared her support for corruption.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She is currently acting president, standing in for the Great
Leader, who is away and has become only a frequent visitor to the country. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In a strategically strategic strategy, Mai Mujuru was <a href="http://www.herald.co.zw/mujuru-blasts-media-over-graft-reports/" target="_blank">quoted complaining</a>
about newspapers writing too much about corruption and stuff, as if stealing from
the people has suddenly become a crime or something. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What a masterstroke! After her remarks, hundreds of excited big fat chefs have
now jumped ship from the other faction of big fat chefs to her own faction of
big fat chefs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“We used to doubt her, but now she has removed all doubts,”
said one big, fat chef. “We want a leader that sticks to party principles, such as corruption. Or, at least, making sure newspapers stay out of our business. It's hard to steal while people are looking.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Already, detractors and losers are already spreading jealous, malicious reports. “No, it is not true," said a spokesman. "The VP did
not sit on an iPhone and turn it into an iPad.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-54381968788035003642014-02-01T16:59:00.001+02:002014-02-03T09:13:23.933+02:00Chombo clarifies Zanu policy on corruptionJust when Zanu officials were beginning to get confused about whether their party had suddenly changed one of its main policies, Cde Chombo has held a press conference to clarify issues.<br />
<br />
"Let there be no doubt. There has been no change to our principles. Contrary to recent indications, robbing the people remains official party policy," he announced. "We're a party that is not easily shifted from its principles by a few malcontents."<br />
<br />
Over the past few weeks, unscrupulous state media journalists and a few obviously misguided elements in government have spoken out against big, fat, greedy chefs, from parastatals to city councils. All this unusual noise was beginning to confuse big, fat greedy Zanu chefs, who are used to being encouraged to steal.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, Cde Chombo has ended all such fears. After the Harare mayor fired the town clerk for refusing to tell residents how much he was paying himself, Cde Chombo <a href="https://www.newsday.co.zw/2014/02/01/chombo-reverses-decision-suspend-mahachi/" target="_blank">reversed the move</a> and scolded the mayor for demanding "transparency", a silly term obviously created by imperialists to spy on our chefs, who must obviously be allowed to loot to cushion themselves from the effects of sanctions, and to eat all the fruits of Independence on behalf of the people.<br />
<br />
"Phew," sighed one big, fat, greedy chef, wiping sweat from his big bald head with a silk handkerchief that he bought in Dubai. Or was it Kuala Lumpur? Maybe Hong Kong. Possibly Macy's in New York. Zurich maybe? He can't remember. <br />
Visibly relieved, the chef said: "We were beginning to wonder whether stealing from the people had suddenly become a crime in this country."Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-43920387792575646952014-01-27T13:00:00.001+02:002014-01-30T11:12:13.985+02:00Zanu sues MDC for stealing its excuses<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Zanu-PF is suing the MDC for
copyright infringement after Tsvangirai’s supporters claimed white racists and
shadowy Western governments were behind a plot to oust Tsvangirai.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A few MDC elements, obviously the misguided type, say the
credibility of their party is falling faster than Morgan’s trousers, and they
want him out. But Tsvangirai’s loyal supporters say all this is driven driven by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/obert.gutu/posts/10201135756305278?stream_ref=10" target="_blank">mafikizolos and their foreign handlers</a>. Another MDC chef blamed "<a href="https://www.facebook.com/hwende/posts/10152189698265818?stream_ref=10" target="_blank">ex-Rhodesian land barons</a>" for all this talk. </span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Director of Tsvangirai’s
Bootlicking Council said: “All these mafikizolos are being driven by their
foreign handlers. Our leader <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Save</i>
shall rule the MDC until trees grow breasts.” At which point such trees would obviously
be cut down because they would cause some distraction to the leadership. Obviously.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All this talk by the MDC of Rhodesians and Western
interference has made Zanu angry. The party said only its leader can use
imaginary plots by shadowy Western forces as an excuse to cling to power. Without
racist foreign powers, Zanu will be left with no imaginary enemies to fight
with.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“That’s the problem with parties
that have no policies of their own,” said MuDidymus, a top Mugabe ass-licker,
who hates all other ass-lickers because he believes nobody can lick ass the way
he can lick ass. “Always imitating. First, they steal our bootlicking. Then they stole
our intolerance. Now they’re even stealing our lame excuses. We must stop them.
Already, people can no longer tell the difference.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-58629365613187701172013-12-03T15:53:00.001+02:002013-12-03T16:07:34.106+02:00Shocking news: 89-year-old teacher is still at work<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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The nation of Zimbabwe is in shock after it was discovered that
an 89-year old teacher is still on the government payroll. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It has also been discovered that, like all other teachers desperate to supplement their income, the 89-year old teacher has been getting extra cash by ruling the country in his spare time.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Sometimes, when he needs extra cash, he goes to run the country,” according to an audit report. "His moonlighting has gone on for 33 years now."</div>
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<br /></div>
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Some senior civil servant public service commission whatwhat
guy confirmed the retirement age in government is 65: “The said teacher will be
90 next year, by which time he would have been illegally getting a salary for
25 years.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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The teacher commented: “I retired from teaching long ago. I need extra money, like other teachers. So what's wrong with me supplementing my meagre teacher's salary by running the country, occasionally?”<br />
<br />
He denies suggestions that his moonlighting has gone on too long. </div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-65580470137855468212013-10-14T11:13:00.000+02:002017-08-28T16:22:30.198+02:00Whole country celebrates unbroken hymen<span style="font-family: "calibri";">After months of bad news, the nation finally got some much-needed good news
when <a href="http://www.thestandard.co.zw/2013/10/13/bona-still-virgin-says-first-lady/" target="_blank">it was announced</a> that the First Daughter was still a virgin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">"The First Hymen remains unbroken!" the First Madam announced. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">News of the purity of the First Virgin has been received with much celebration across the
country. People from All Walks of Life ran around the streets, singing and shouting for joy, cars hooted and
there were fireworks. A public holiday was declared.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">News that the First Membrane remained unbroken restored confidence in the economy. There was enough electricity. Water came out of taps. People got jobs. Even sanctions were removed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">A member of the People from All Walks of Life said: "We are excited to hear that the First Hymen remains intact. The status of that membrane is the single most important issue to citizens of this country. We are all very happy now."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">In a show of patriotism, many faithful supporters declared they too would emulate the First Family's example.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Said a member of the Women's League: "Even me also, I have now decided to remain a virgin, to set an example to my children."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-28040089916560292342013-10-03T16:42:00.000+02:002013-10-03T17:06:11.343+02:00Power restored to shed light on plotters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyytLITHusmxr-_T91p7tSIBiYk_1-CCE5WrHAmlBtXGeySUCDQJVP9XwFuFCqSpUS8e-gd4iWZ7NshGVdXnHBKiL0q888PsF849lW1KR6gPBaD8UTExar4p7bxH22Y0D44qCZ-NaQIFB/s1600/polt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyytLITHusmxr-_T91p7tSIBiYk_1-CCE5WrHAmlBtXGeySUCDQJVP9XwFuFCqSpUS8e-gd4iWZ7NshGVdXnHBKiL0q888PsF849lW1KR6gPBaD8UTExar4p7bxH22Y0D44qCZ-NaQIFB/s400/polt.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Power cuts have ended after an anonymous letter was sent to the
President; the letter claimed that unscrupulous meetings plotting against the Great
Leader are being held every time there is a power cut.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“When it is dark, Cde President, all these unscrupulous enemies of yours, they take advantage, they gather
in dark corners, holding blasphemous and
treasonous and unscrupulous meetings,” said the letter, most likely written by a clever member of the People from All Walks of
Life, a shadowy group very familiar to all ZBC news viewers. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cynic's investigations revealed a regime change agenda. A leaked document from one of the meetings revealed the agenda of one such meeting. At the top of the page, it says: "Agenda: Regime Change". Below that are various regime change agenda items. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Later, at what officials assured us was a completely
unrelated press conference quickly held at the state house joint, The President announced
that Zesa had been ordered to stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. “Stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. I am keeping
the lights on from now on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-44235971409523409552013-09-11T10:00:00.002+02:002013-09-11T10:22:52.296+02:00President: "I'm surprised that people are surprised"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtSw71_cs00UPjgiSfpyOaQ5U310jQDRSSnMHGNcLaHbUkvbvkMCgjFtDNqHfuHecHnNbxJhYLLLkuzsp3t8HgewFf5fVAtASeLUv40-GCgrnuv2UEnr4EuclKpS58Mre17g0p9T-05TOl/s1600/boblaugh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtSw71_cs00UPjgiSfpyOaQ5U310jQDRSSnMHGNcLaHbUkvbvkMCgjFtDNqHfuHecHnNbxJhYLLLkuzsp3t8HgewFf5fVAtASeLUv40-GCgrnuv2UEnr4EuclKpS58Mre17g0p9T-05TOl/s400/boblaugh.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="color: red;">"Wait, whaaaat? New direction? Bwaahahaha...seka zvako mwana waBona"</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Head of State and Government and WhatWhat has
called an urgent press conference to express his shock that people are shocked that he has reappointed the same old deadwood
to his Cabinet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“After 33 years of ruling you, I
thought all of you would know me by now,” the visibly disappointed Head of
State and Government and Commander in Chief of Chakuti Chakuti said at State
House. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You know the only thing that’s surprising? The number of times
Zimbabweans keep getting surprised at my inability to surprise. The only
surprise here is that my people are surprised. Well, if you don’t know me by
now...” he said, throwing his hands in the air in disappointment, before explaining his fears that if his people didn't know him by now, they will never, never, never know him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"All the things, that we've been through," he said. "You should understand me, like I understand you ... I ain't gonna do nuthn, to upset my happy party. Ohh don't get so excited, when I'm announcing a Cabinet, cause you only act like children, when it's surprise you get..." </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When a stupid reporter asked him,
“But, oh great Head of State and Government, the people were expecting a new direction ...” he
was cut off.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Look. If I wanted this new direction, don't you think I
would have appointed a Minister of New Direction? I’m not silly.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The People from All Walks of
Life, a shadowy group that regularly emerges to “hail” and “welcome” all kinds
of shit, appeared on ZBC and said: “We hail this Cabinet. We welcome it. It will
usher in a new dispensation, whatever the fuck that means.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-22920613074619717002013-08-14T14:08:00.001+02:002013-08-15T10:44:44.018+02:00To my sweetest Locadia: I am sorry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23HtjBa7CFOaauQwnDcgtbtXaYENdeyuFLE96CorTaCs1M0zfhL-82t_aLtocuUDruqmoSt_NsyKoGDZ8SUxW3RXurxzocBRkqFo_zyC6V2WwREfof80GKfACsEc3w5LOffbRNEQCSXBp/s1600/Tsvangirai-hand-on-head.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23HtjBa7CFOaauQwnDcgtbtXaYENdeyuFLE96CorTaCs1M0zfhL-82t_aLtocuUDruqmoSt_NsyKoGDZ8SUxW3RXurxzocBRkqFo_zyC6V2WwREfof80GKfACsEc3w5LOffbRNEQCSXBp/s320/Tsvangirai-hand-on-head.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My sweetest Locadia,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time and ability plus double faculty has propelled me
to fish out my ballpoint pen from the deep basket of love to send you this mesmerising
missive. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, now I know you wondering 'why is Moggy now writing this weeping letter on this innocent
sheet of paper after he treat me like that?'. Let me get straight to the point and stop being noxious by
going from the mutondo tree to the musasa tree as the elders said. Let me stop
hitting the dog while concealing the handle of the hoe, as the other elders also said.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Procrastination is the thief of time, as the British say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear, Locadia, I am sorry. I am sorry like you don’t ever
know, dhiya.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The woman
I married, we live together, but no love anymore. We are like railway tracks; parallel and going
together but never meet. She is so cantankerous. The time I saw her sexful emails
to her axe <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9xod04OGMQ6RCILdxfsBhCzmxQRSskIYnN5dCPUpoEh2nJ5mnd2I8Q2wzUcql3757CLf5RHNEXg5p68_Onh4PLYXq-ncaE19Y22LXTk5kRRiehYhX2it0B9BGqZBH8bVaGVsazbsYM144/s1600/MT+Liz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9xod04OGMQ6RCILdxfsBhCzmxQRSskIYnN5dCPUpoEh2nJ5mnd2I8Q2wzUcql3757CLf5RHNEXg5p68_Onh4PLYXq-ncaE19Y22LXTk5kRRiehYhX2it0B9BGqZBH8bVaGVsazbsYM144/s320/MT+Liz.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
boyfriend in the paper I went sad like I just hit a pena overbar after 90
minutes. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please feel sorry for me. Give me your forgiveness. Dig deep in your mine of love and let the ore of love flow to me
on a conveyor belt of forgiveness, landing in the burning furnace of my heart to be
refined into pure nuggets of golden passion. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know why I married that person. I wanted you. Please
put the sugar in my sour tea and take me back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loki, if you refuse me, I shall take Robert’s advice and you
find me hanging from the tallest branch of the nearest habros tree. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even as I write this missive, I think of the sexful geography
of your body. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, halleluyah! Just thinking
you and I rise to the occasion so fast it look like Nyaminyami himself is hiding in my trouser. That’s
what you do to me Loki. You alone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are yellow like Buttercup on my bread, come let me
spread you nice and devour your yellow beauty. You are orange like
fruits, let me squeeze you tight and create good juice like my manifesto. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Bible the word of Jesus say ask and it will be opened,
knock and you shall find. Something like that. Now, I stand at your door, Loki,
knocking. Please open, so that thy humble servant can enter you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Locadia, no more funny games. Now I want to make babies in
conjunction with you. I want a coalition of our two fluttering hearts. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart is haranguing me asking why 'Prime Minister of the
country, why did you leave Locadia?'. And I say, 'My heart, don't harangue me, I have no answer'. <br />
<br />
If only you only know what’s going on in my deeper encephalon you would
understand and come to me. Not to mention the way my medulla oblongata is reaching maximum overload with guilty emotion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Allow me to pen off here because the lawyers have come from
the court and they are not looking happy.<br />
<br />
I hope my efforts are not too late like a skeleton drinking water. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please think long and serious. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XOXO (hugs and kisses all over your contours and regions)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Forever your Prime Minister, whatever they say</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moggy</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-ZW; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><i>*SWALK* Sealed with a kiss</i></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gQ-7txn46kJHyRopmUrVG6dpP8kUq8R0UsEhR9yHPD9D-iDIwA5m3MEdKgKcICBHNi2b8QIrjDnLQuirMAtsfn2POPzBQcfwhj5xMpDATi8fAkt2DQTJNUn8aX3poec4i-Fv-5KGW-K-/s1600/loki.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="289" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gQ-7txn46kJHyRopmUrVG6dpP8kUq8R0UsEhR9yHPD9D-iDIwA5m3MEdKgKcICBHNi2b8QIrjDnLQuirMAtsfn2POPzBQcfwhj5xMpDATi8fAkt2DQTJNUn8aX3poec4i-Fv-5KGW-K-/s400/loki.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><i> </i><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span>Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-62761990486342997452013-07-08T13:40:00.000+02:002013-07-09T10:58:51.696+02:00Zanu announces its own election coalition<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Following news that opposition parties are forming coalitions to
defeat it in elections, Zanu-PF today laughed and said it was already in a
coalition. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tsvangirai has formed a coalition with Simba Makoni while Welshman
Ncube and Dabengwa also formed an alliance. But Zanu said it wasn’t worried, as
it was first to form such a coalition. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“We have been doing this for years. We are already in an electoral coalition with many other parties - such as the army, the police, the Registrar General, ZEC, and so forth” a Zanu
man said at a news conference. “Let’s see you beat that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Details of the coalition are sketchy, but sources said the deal
involves the president publicly calling for peaceful elections on one hand,
while the army beats up people on the other hand. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Contacted for comment, a political analyst said it was a clever
strategy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In a detailed analysis, the analyst said: “It’s a clever strategy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-70838234351351669052013-05-22T11:01:00.001+02:002013-05-22T11:18:33.490+02:00PM: I'm not living large - yet. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgouYEFhiKYLRC_S1Krn4fEYBAOYo6G68GJJMtytH3XNNoPL82DCPakI4lv0MKyZs3gINCEm9pKlD7qe-byMU13pstyB5z_ENSaEJL-zbWsyA5wh-TzDK1cfjUx9_9Q_aVlNOXhkmMABZnD/s1600/mtcrib.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgouYEFhiKYLRC_S1Krn4fEYBAOYo6G68GJJMtytH3XNNoPL82DCPakI4lv0MKyZs3gINCEm9pKlD7qe-byMU13pstyB5z_ENSaEJL-zbWsyA5wh-TzDK1cfjUx9_9Q_aVlNOXhkmMABZnD/s400/mtcrib.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">The PM's pathetic little shack in Highlands</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Prime Minister has denied he is “living large”,
saying he would only do that when he becomes President. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The PM <a href="http://www.newsday.co.zw/2013/05/21/i-live-a-humble-life-tsvangirai/" target="_blank">told the press</a> that it was not true
he was living in luxury. He has a mansion in Highlands, goes on cruise ships on
the South Pacific with skin-lightening cream models, and is driven around in a Mercedes-Benz S350. But he says this
isn’t living large at all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is just rehearsal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I am not living large at all," he told reporters at his humble Highlands home. "For that, please wait
till I’m president. Then I will no longer go on cruise ships;
I will actually own a fucking cruise ship.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He complained that the house he was living in was valued
at just under a million dollars. “Who wants to live in such a shack?” he
grumbled, as his wife Sleazy Lizzy nodded at her chubby hubby, saying her husband </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">was only practising being president, with the little that he has. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The PM said: “You call this ‘living large’? You see this shack I’m living
in? I’ll have bigger and more of these. This rusty, three-year-old Benz? I’ll have newer and more. This light-skinned
wife? I’ll have ...” At which point Lizzy stopped nodding. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-69145156663145201772013-04-30T09:44:00.000+02:002013-05-03T09:34:48.093+02:00BREAKING NEWS: Panic as white people spotted in central Harare<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">There is panic and pandemonium in Harare after various horror-stricken witnesses reported seeing white
people in the CBD.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p>One terrified witness, speaking from the safety of his 4th floor office and looking down into the chaotic streets below, said he didn't know what was happening down there: </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">“I don’t
know what’s happening down there,” he said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Police have
rushed in to investigate, and Commissioner Chihuri has addressed a press conference: “Black
people of Harare,” he said, reading from a prepared speech. “This is a difficult week
for all of y’all, but calm the fuck down. Be strong. Hold on. Hifa will only
last a week.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Witnesses reported
white people even on First Street, can you fucking believe it? Asked to give details,
one witness said: “There are whites even on First Street. Can you fucking believe it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">A crowd
gathered around a witness who was telling them he had, in fact, actually talked
to a white person in the CBD. Giving details, he very proudly said: “<em>Futi futi</em> in fact, me I actually
talked to a white person in the CBD.” And people said “heyii, hesss mhaaan”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR-6JTYoLDIx1g0gFec6sA7blV9DbXy1k0x9f3ihGwdZN6IOt57Crjh7Is5lMP6Znt7LbPb0CqpwVzjlJTEUC2DSsyX1246Ez0YsthMf0ek3Yd0bTWRD13wHjGPZknHiVG4ZMZdJCc6vl_/s1600/Hifa1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR-6JTYoLDIx1g0gFec6sA7blV9DbXy1k0x9f3ihGwdZN6IOt57Crjh7Is5lMP6Znt7LbPb0CqpwVzjlJTEUC2DSsyX1246Ez0YsthMf0ek3Yd0bTWRD13wHjGPZknHiVG4ZMZdJCc6vl_/s320/Hifa1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Several black people spotted at Hifa</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-7475768172751411782013-02-05T17:44:00.002+02:002013-02-05T18:06:56.312+02:00Money goes missing after prophets visitPolice have been called in to investigate after Gideon Gono's wallet went missing following a meeting with two well known prophets at the RBZ.<br />
<br />
Gono had called the prophets to the country's central bank to explain "miracle money", an innovative new way of creating wealth while sitting on your ass without doing any actual work.<br />
<br />
It is reported the wallet carries all that remains of the country's entire wealth.<br />
<br />
"Just as the prophets left, Gono checked his wallet. It was gone. Inside the wallet was all the last money the country had," said a source who knows. <br />
<br />
Police Spokesman Assistant Commissioner Superitendent Constable Wetkiss Mashure confirmed the incident, but refused with details: "Yes, we can confirm that such an investigation has been reported at such a venue and such an investigation is taking place however such will be disclosed once all such details are gathered so we urge people to just calm the fuck down and go about their daily business."<br />
<br />
The two prophets deny ever seeing the wallet, although witnesses claim they saw the two running down Samora laughing. Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-34253271329683579682013-01-15T12:12:00.000+02:002013-01-15T12:32:16.689+02:00VP now mad enough to lead<br />
Recent statements by the Vice President that the President was anointed by God at age 10 to lead the country show that she has now gained the level of lunacy required to lead the party, political analysts have said.<br />
<br />
After previous statements denouncing important party principles - such as violence and corruption - people within the party had begun to wonder whether she was the right person to lead. But she has now removed all doubt by demonstrating her ability to say some really silly dumb shit. <br />
<br />
“People are wasting their time by opposing President Mugabe. It was prophesied way back in 1934, when he was only 10 years old, that he was going to lead this country. How can a normal person challenge such a leader?” the VP was <a href="http://www.sundaymail.co.zw/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=33249:president-anointed-at-10-vp-mujuru&catid=37:top-stories&Itemid=130" target="_blank">quoted as saying</a> while speaking to a bunch of Mapostoris. <br />
<br />
Her clownish remarks were welcomed by members of her faction. <br />
<br />
"Talking out of your ass and acting like a lunatic is a major requirement if you want to rise to senior leadership," a senior official said, before he himself began talking loads of laughable bullshit in a desperate bid to promote himself as a potential leader. <br />
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<br />Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-65174374259278737162012-11-28T09:25:00.002+02:002012-12-17T10:13:43.143+02:00The temptation of Kunonga<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTM_EW2fVW2xOLaPubnqeMwaKW_YWLTRtBDsgzEp6V1Acm-erJB9dMpgqeKXnvQRXNVWWCU2rjp8jEQ-cC52NZQMygYsNnVWNLilczcUnmM1YiQwZ1o2_O-VQ3Lq80oqqEZZnfuvQl41GX/s1600/Kunonga11%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTM_EW2fVW2xOLaPubnqeMwaKW_YWLTRtBDsgzEp6V1Acm-erJB9dMpgqeKXnvQRXNVWWCU2rjp8jEQ-cC52NZQMygYsNnVWNLilczcUnmM1YiQwZ1o2_O-VQ3Lq80oqqEZZnfuvQl41GX/s400/Kunonga11%5B1%5D.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><div class="highlight" uri="/scriptures/nt/matt/4.2">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">Nolbert 4:1-12</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">1. Then Kunonga was led into the wilderness, to be tempted by the devil.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">2 </span>And when he had fasted forty</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> days and forty nights, only because there was no Nandos nearby, he </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">was hungry</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="3"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">3 </span>And when the tempter</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread </span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="4"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">4 </span>But he answered and said, It is written, Man</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> shall not live</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> by bread</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> alone, but by the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">grabbing of church buildings, and renting them out for many shillings</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="5"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">5 Then</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> the devil taketh him up into the holy city, more accurately the CBD</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, and sitteth him high on the pinnacle of the Anglican temple,</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="6"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">6 And </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">saith unto him, if</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down to the ground: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in <span class="clarityWord">their</span> hands they shall bear thee up, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="7"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">7 </span>Kunonga said unto him, nigga please! I ain't gonna jumpeth for nobody</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">And I shall not go down even for you, for I be no homosexual</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="8"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="verse">8 Again,</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Satan, shaking his head at Kunonga's homo obsession, taketh Kunonga up onto a very high mountain, most probably the Harare kopje, and showeth him all the properties of the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anglican diocese, from the main Cathedral, to Warren Park and Budiriro, and beyond, and the glory of them all;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">9 And he said unto Kunonga, All these things will I give unto thee, if thou will fall down and worship me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">10 And Kunonga, being pleased with the devil's offer, sayeth unto him, Get thee behind me Satan ... for I shall bend over for you, so you may haveth your way with my fat ass</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">11 And behold, in exchange for Kunonga's soul, the devil hadeth his way with the bishop's ass</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">12 And, it came to pass, that even when all the property had soon been removed from Kunonga's hands, so remaineth his ass sore and bruised</span></div>
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Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484203822874020758.post-38515335129871827072012-11-16T10:48:00.000+02:002012-12-17T10:14:30.706+02:00Kids go hungry, women go bald after beer hike<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3nAV6tXdB6lNro3y63urXYgl7ExW2Sc1DvgENO28kDctxZFhEamlFNsqSTZ3JemNaqZRRRpabw8QkOjfrI9NidCuArpVl7cVnySxuTEkQkFB7DCWJduvOTtP-p4JPs0sdQWXd_nYWuBT/s1600/doro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3nAV6tXdB6lNro3y63urXYgl7ExW2Sc1DvgENO28kDctxZFhEamlFNsqSTZ3JemNaqZRRRpabw8QkOjfrI9NidCuArpVl7cVnySxuTEkQkFB7DCWJduvOTtP-p4JPs0sdQWXd_nYWuBT/s400/doro.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: small;">This is how bad things get when your Finance Minister isn't a drinker. Grown-ass men sharing masese from a bucket</span></td></tr>
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Wives will now have to shave their heads and children will have to go without food and school fees after Tendai Biti raised the price of beer. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbfuwWcg8AtqUWULCppLOGH-S-xLFnwsKIZRkTGNvPFr8_ygn0u4YUglbrD6DXN9Lf7FBqR_B4EPZbghMbBCcpqXHsw7FyYofGgW_MOL_e_D5FZSo-WfPpHR7VAIJ5pGjwXRe97gavklR/s1600/asina+hembe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbfuwWcg8AtqUWULCppLOGH-S-xLFnwsKIZRkTGNvPFr8_ygn0u4YUglbrD6DXN9Lf7FBqR_B4EPZbghMbBCcpqXHsw7FyYofGgW_MOL_e_D5FZSo-WfPpHR7VAIJ5pGjwXRe97gavklR/s320/asina+hembe.jpg" width="320" /></a>Biti said he was <a href="http://www.newzimbabwe.com/news-9573-Beer,+cigarette+prices+to+go+up/news.aspx" target="_blank">raising duty on beer</a> in order to fund education. But raising beer prices defeats the purpose, according to experts interviewed at Asina Hembe bar.<br />
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"Ok, so you raise beer taxes because you want to fund education. Makes no sense. Why?" said a beer drinker, asking himself a question, before quickly answering it himself before anyone else did. "Because raising beer prices means we cut budgets for everything else. Why?" he asked, again to noone in particular. "This is because it is biologically impossible to cut beer consumption. So what do you do?" he asked again, now becoming a nuisance. "So you reduce your budget on other less important things, like the woman's hair, school fees, food and so forth..."<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kZbalFv9bAg3xnoANy_sXFKQ63aSAVRTUWHhN9RNoU6FNeOYjv4_dpfEA7I9VoFO7w5EHXndOg0M9CoXAyurHbt0FHV0sPMxTJ5C8ChasRl39Jvkrwz3b8niDpj1Jy4M5B0orWlzdDkL/s1600/mashiripiti.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="129" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kZbalFv9bAg3xnoANy_sXFKQ63aSAVRTUWHhN9RNoU6FNeOYjv4_dpfEA7I9VoFO7w5EHXndOg0M9CoXAyurHbt0FHV0sPMxTJ5C8ChasRl39Jvkrwz3b8niDpj1Jy4M5B0orWlzdDkL/s400/mashiripiti.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">Mashiripiti Bar appeared deserted on Thursday, but that's just because </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">the drinkers are drinking in the dark, hiding from wives, etc</span></td></tr>
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<br />Cynic Harare!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07613543402732149607noreply@blogger.com0