PM: I'm not living large - yet.

The PM's pathetic little shack in Highlands

The Prime Minister has denied he is “living large”, saying he would only do that when he becomes President.

The PM told the press that it was not true he was living in luxury. He has a mansion in Highlands, goes on cruise ships on the South Pacific with skin-lightening cream models, and is driven around in a Mercedes-Benz S350. But he says this isn’t living large at all.

This is just rehearsal.

“I am not living large at all," he told reporters at his humble Highlands home. "For that, please wait till I’m president. Then I will no longer go on cruise ships; I will actually own a fucking cruise ship.”

He complained that the house he was living in was valued at just under a million dollars. “Who wants to live in such a shack?” he grumbled, as his wife Sleazy Lizzy nodded at her chubby hubby, saying her husband was only practising being president, with the little that he has.

The PM said: “You call this ‘living large’? You see this shack I’m living in? I’ll have bigger and more of these. This rusty, three-year-old Benz? I’ll have newer and more. This light-skinned wife? I’ll have ...” At which point Lizzy stopped nodding.

BREAKING NEWS: Panic as white people spotted in central Harare

There is panic and pandemonium in Harare after various horror-stricken witnesses reported seeing white people in the CBD.

One terrified witness, speaking from the safety of his 4th floor office and looking down into the chaotic streets below, said he didn't know what was happening down there: “I don’t know what’s happening down there,” he said.

Police have rushed in to investigate, and Commissioner Chihuri has addressed a press conference: “Black people of Harare,” he said, reading from a prepared speech. “This is a difficult week for all of y’all, but calm the fuck down. Be strong. Hold on. Hifa will only last a week.”

Witnesses reported white people even on First Street, can you fucking believe it? Asked to give details, one witness said: “There are whites even on First Street. Can you fucking believe it?”

A crowd gathered around a witness who was telling them he had, in fact, actually talked to a white person in the CBD. Giving details, he very proudly said: “Futi futi in fact, me I actually talked to a white person in the CBD.” And people said “heyii, hesss mhaaan”.  

Several black people spotted at Hifa

Money goes missing after prophets visit

Police have been called in to investigate after Gideon Gono's wallet went missing following a meeting with two well known prophets at the RBZ.

Gono had called the prophets to the country's central bank to explain "miracle money", an innovative new way of creating wealth while sitting on your ass without doing any actual work.

It is reported the wallet carries all that remains of the country's entire wealth.

"Just as the prophets left, Gono checked his wallet. It was gone. Inside the wallet was all the last money the country had," said a source who knows.

Police Spokesman Assistant Commissioner Superitendent Constable Wetkiss Mashure confirmed the incident, but refused with details: "Yes, we can confirm that such an investigation has been reported at such a venue and such an investigation is taking place however such will be disclosed once all such details are gathered so we urge people to just calm the fuck down and go about their daily business."

The two prophets deny ever seeing the wallet, although witnesses claim they saw the two running down Samora laughing.

VP now mad enough to lead

Recent statements by the Vice President that the President was anointed by God at age 10 to lead the country show that she has now gained the level of lunacy required to lead the party, political analysts have said.

After previous statements denouncing important party principles - such as violence and corruption - people within the party had begun to wonder whether she was the right person to lead. But she has now removed all doubt by demonstrating her ability to say some really silly dumb shit.

“People are wasting their time by opposing President Mugabe. It was prophesied way back in 1934, when he was only 10 years old, that he was going to lead this country. How can a normal person challenge such a leader?” the VP was quoted as saying while speaking to a bunch of Mapostoris.

Her clownish remarks were welcomed by members of her faction.

"Talking out of your ass and acting like a lunatic is a major requirement if you want to rise to senior leadership," a senior official said, before he himself began talking loads of laughable bullshit in a desperate bid to promote himself as a potential leader.

The temptation of Kunonga

 

Nolbert 4:1-12

1. Then Kunonga was led into the wilderness, to be tempted by the devil.

2 And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, only because there was no Nandos nearby, he was hungry

3 And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread

4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by the grabbing of church buildings, and renting them out for many shillings

5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, more accurately the CBD, and sitteth him high on the pinnacle of the Anglican temple,

6 And saith unto him, if thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down to the ground: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

7 Kunonga said unto him, nigga please! I ain't gonna jumpeth for nobody 

And I shall not go down even for you, for I be no homosexual

8 Again, Satan, shaking his head at Kunonga's homo obsession, taketh Kunonga up onto a very high mountain, most probably the Harare kopje, and showeth him all the properties of the Anglican diocese, from the main Cathedral, to Warren Park and Budiriro, and beyond, and the glory of them all;

9 And he said unto Kunonga, All these things will I give unto thee, if thou will fall down and worship me

10 And Kunonga, being pleased with the devil's offer, sayeth unto him, Get thee behind me Satan ... for I shall bend over for you, so you may haveth your way with my fat ass

11 And behold, in exchange for Kunonga's soul, the devil hadeth his way with the bishop's ass

12 And, it came to pass, that even when all the property had soon been removed from Kunonga's hands, so remaineth his ass sore and bruised

 

 

 

 

 

Kids go hungry, women go bald after beer hike



This is how bad things get when your Finance Minister isn't a drinker. Grown-ass men sharing masese from a bucket

Wives will now have to shave their heads and children will have to go without food and school fees after Tendai Biti raised the price of beer.

Biti said he was raising duty on beer in order to fund education. But raising beer prices defeats the purpose, according to experts interviewed at Asina Hembe bar.

"Ok, so you raise beer taxes because you want to fund education. Makes no sense. Why?" said a beer drinker, asking himself a question, before quickly answering it himself before anyone else did. "Because raising beer prices means we cut budgets for everything else. Why?" he asked, again to noone in particular. "This is because it is biologically impossible to cut beer consumption. So what do you do?" he asked again, now becoming a nuisance. "So you reduce your budget on other less important things, like the woman's hair, school fees, food and so forth..."


Mashiripiti Bar appeared deserted on Thursday, but that's just because
the drinkers are drinking in the dark, hiding from wives, etc



ZBC counters media lies with its own lies

ZBC, the most popular TV station in the country, which is also the only TV station in the country, has hired the country’s finest fiction writers to write its news bulletins, in a strategic counter-attacking move against Western lies about our country.

 

The so-called independent Western-funded media’s lies have gone too far, a spokesman for the ZBC said.
One journalist has now been arrested for saying that The Great Leader, currently aged 88, will be a whole 94 years old at the end of his next term of office which starts after he wins resoundingly next year.

 

All doubts about how marvelous The Great Leader is have now been ended after the 8PM news last night, which carried a variety of reports showing how impossibly incredible our leader is, contrary to all the media lies.

 

Here are the headlines:

• The Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces - *newsreader pauses for breath* - is so good at multi-tasking today he killed two stones with one bird.

• Rumours that The Leader can no longer see very well are lies, as he read a speech today with his eyes closed.

• The Wise Leader has urged youths not to succumb to pressure from their peers. His spokesman dismissed suggestions that the only reason His Marvelous Excellency himself does not face peer pressure is because he has no peers. "There are many people his age, but they are in the rural areas, sitting under mango trees all day, snuffing Shamrock, drinking masese and talking shit."

 

In a documentary about his glorious past aired last night, it was revealed that The Great Leader once swallowed a nail and it came out the other end a screw.

In the Quiz section of the news, it was said that the old quiz question of ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg’ is irrelevant. Clearly, The Jongwe was obviously there way before both, because he's the one that impregnated the hen.

And in sports news: “The Great Leader has run the 100metres in 6 seconds, but, after that whole ganja thing, this will not be made public because he does not want to embarrass or offend the Jamaicans once again.”

 

Viewers across the country are glued to their screens, mouths open in wonder and delight, waiting for more news.