Dear Locadia ...

             Please forgive me. It was not an easy decision to make. I still love you.
                                                                                                               pic: Byo24
          
                                 

My darling Locadia,
Time and opportunity have forced me to send off this wild missive over to you that side, with a pierced heart leaking fountains of endless sorrow.

How are the wagons of life pulling for you over that side of the deep blue ocean of love?

Locky, my dear, my heart is suffering a big headache. I suffer from the geographical path that now separates us.

Sweetie, maximum love and sweet memory have metamophorsised into surprising phantasmagorical circumstances and I find myself forced to do the painful task of making this pen do a gingerly dance on this cursed piece of timber.

Yes, God cursed this piece of timber a long time ago when it was still a seedling; one day it would become this piece of paper that now carries the cries of my weeping soul to my lost love, Locky.

Lovie, please don’t jump out of your skin and try to dance in your skeleton when you read this letter.

Firstly, l acknowledge your painful existence at the sudden and bombastic deprivation of my sweet love.

You ask me how are you? As for me l am half orange and half lemon meaning that things are half sweet like an unwanted visitor’s Mazoe. In other words, I am half-half, the carrying system of a donkey. I am fine. Loneliness only.

Now you ask me, ‘but why loneliness when I see in the papers you and Lizzy?’

Sweetie, please understand. Mine wasn’t an easy decision. I had to close eyes and choose.

Besides, you look the same.

Lovie, you know I would do anything for you. Even brush a crocodile’s teeth for you. Tickle a hippo’s balls.

But, sorry, I just can't be yours anymore. 

Please understand I’m under pressure. Why are people judging me? Judging judging judging all the time. Why?

When they met their own women in the street, did they say ‘pss, sisi ndakudai, I love you, but which party does your father support?’ Did they ask ‘are you Dynamos or Highlander? Ho, so it matters when it’s the Prime Minister of the Country? Ho, because it’s Morgan from Buhera they become Chief Justice Chidyausiku and want to judge me?

And I know she was once a girlfriend of several of these Zanu 'young turks'. I know them. But some of these very people saying this ka, their wives once loved Nigerians and now they are having problems with measuring up.

Sweetie, please don’t despair. Don’t rip your heart out and throw it far, far away. Keep your heart. I still love you. I love you over than.

But I just can’t be with two women. I am the Prime Minister of the Country.

With love.

Your darling Morgy.

PS: SWALK ( Sealed with a lovely kiss )

 PS again: My mother says you are good with sweeping. If only that mattered.

BREAKING NEWS: 88-year-old Zvimba man defies all logic

Random Zvimba Man being led by Random Mt Darwin Woman upon
arrival of said Random Zvimba Man from a 12 or 15 or so hour flight
                                                                             pic: Daily News

Health Experts were stunned as a random 88-year-old man from Zvimba disembarked from a 12-hour flight from Asia and immediately headed into a series of long meetings that have a serious bearing on the fate of 12 million or so people.

We asked a Health Expert how he reacted to the news. He said: “I was stunned.”

When Cynic arrived at the scene, dozens of witnesses were still as wide-eyed as you would be if you bumped into Makandiwa at the 3rd Annual Zinatha Convention & Witchdoctoring Paraphernalia Expo.

“I have never seen anything like that. A man from Zvimba just came off that plane after it was in the air for about 12, maybe 15 hours, I don’t know, then he just went off to chair meetings we were told are important.”

Asked whether this was why he was as wide-eyed as a goat at a Zimbabwean marriage ceremony, he said “yes”.

Commentators say the world has never seen this phenomenon.
“This is the first 88-year-old man from Zvimba to disembark from a long, long, long flight but still go to chair meetings,” said a political commentator, who declined to be named because most commentators talk shit and who wants their kids to know their father makes a living talking shit.

Zvimba Man boxes a woman. He let her win.

A visit to a Harare old people’s home revealed most 88-year-olds there had never come off a 15-hour flight and headed straight to important meetings.

We asked one old looking man. “No. I have never come off a 12 hour flight. In fact, I have never come off a flight because I have never been on one at all. Do you want to put me on a flight?”

We said no.

We then asked another oldish looking fellow, who may be close to 88, but seeing as he only got had a birth certificate in 1989 these things are hard to tell. He declined to comment saying was hoping the chair he was sitting on was a toilet because he was sure he had just done something.

We were unable to find any 88-year-old man who is like that random man from Zvimba who disembarked from a 12-hour flight and immediately headed into important, long meetings.