Long-time ruler laughs at relay team

Usain Bolt passing the baton to a team-mate. What a loser!!

A Great Long-time Ruler has expressed shock after he saw members of an Olympic relay team passing the baton.

“Bambo vangu Matibiri iweeehh! What are they doing?” he said, almost spilling his rooibos, which he drinks every day after his usual 73 km evening jog. “Who does that?”

“Eh, Your Magnificent Excellency, Sir,” one of the Great Ruler's people said, his voice trembling. “That is the rule of the race Oh My Great Crocodile. You run your part as best as you can, then you pass on the baton to the next person. Smoothly. That way, the whole team wins.”

A long silence then followed – The Great Ruler looked at his aide, then back at the TV, looked at his aide again, then back at the TV, tea cup in hand, shock on his face. Softly, he then asked: “But why?” Again, the poor guy, staring at the floor, said: “Eh, Sire, that’s the rule of the sport.” But, The Great Ruler  asks, "Why can’t he just run the whole race on his own?"

“Well, he can try, Your Emminence. But he'd look rather silly.”

The Great Leader then said: “Ah, so, in that case, that’s a silly sport ka? A silly sport indeed.” He then laughed himself to sleep: "Heheedeh, huuuri ... pass the baton ... kikikiki ... losers!"

Residents shocked over un-poisoned Harare water

Harare water, without cynanide

Harare residents have expressed shock at news that council water was not already poisonous.

The Herald had reported that some dumb shits at Harare's Morton Jaffray Water Works - who obviously skipped those 'purple triangle means poison' classes in primary school - were about to pour 19 tonnes of sodium cyanide into Harare's drinking water, before some idle driver stopped them.

"We are in shock," one resident said. "So, you mean, all along, our water was not poisoned?"

Other residents expressed shock that council water still existed at all. "We haven't had water here, poisoned or not, for 17 years," some said. "The water shortages would have saved us all", said one resident, wearing a Tsvangirai-in-Australia grin.

Mother's milk is best!

To the left, the soon-to-be-bust Dendairy. To the right, the National Milk.
We found this at an OK outlet. We expect more outlets to be more patriotic

Thousands of milk drinkers are pouring into supermarkets across the country after the much-awaited Alpha Omega milk, freshly squeezed from the prolific cow-boobs of the nation’s First Dairy, finally hit the shelves.

"We had been salivating since Amai talked about the dairy in the Sunday Mail," a guzzler said, waiting in a queue outside an OK Store, and salivating.

Why was the launch of Alpha milk so eagerly awaited?

An analyst explained: "We all want to live long. We hear this is what the Eternally Energetic 88-year-old Man from Zvimba drinks. So, clearly, this milk is going to fly off the shelves at the speed of Morgan's zip."

Shops reported that sales in imported milk have withered and sagged lower than boobs at a Zanu Women's League Congress.

Mango flavoured Appetina.

"Fuck off you Clover, you Parmalat, Danone and you NutriDay and all those other Sethafriken shits. Oh, and a special, double-thick fuck you to Nestle. Refused to take our mother’s milk thinking we couldn’t do it on our own. Bastards!" said one kid who still has milk on the nose.

This will become the national drink, the ZBC reported. It said the milk had been welcomed by People From All Walks Of Life, a secretive organisation of nameless people who appear every night on ZBC news and like to 'castigate' a lot.

A health expert reiterated: "Mukaka waAmai (mother’s milk) is best for her children." He then laughed, realising how lame that statement was.

It is expected that, naturally, Alpha Omega products will now become the compulsory product of choice in all government buildings, where tea time is known to be the highlight of every government worker's day. 

Wife of 88-year-old man shocked at his energy

88 not out!! - Rihanna poses with the young old man from Zvimba

The beautiful, young wife of an 88-year old man from Zvimba has declared her pleasant shock at the everlasting energy of her husband.

This morning, she said, he managed to wake up, all on his own, and rule a whole country with an iron fist.

“He is very, very healthy,” the wife of the 88-year-old Zvimba man said. And with that wink and giggle that all gossiping housewives recognise from their naughty over-the-durawall chit-chats, she added, “and energetic too”.

Many jealous people doubted her statement. Some of them said it was a plan to convince doubters that the 88-year-old will have no problem in campaigning in the upcoming elections. But a Zanu spokesman said: “Some of us were beginning to doubt because of all those silly rumours. But now we have no reason to doubt. Who can know the energy of a man better than his wife?”

The news has left the MDC reeling.

Asked to comment on news that the wife of the Zvimba man had said her husband has eternal energy, a spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to comment, saying: “Only the Prime Minister’s wife is authorised to comment on his energy.”

Morgan finally shows Presidential qualities

Morgan on the trip to Germany where he saluted the wrong flag and stuff. (Getty)

Prime Minister Tsvangirai will travel to China with a massive delegation of his hangers-on, plus his wife, at the taxpayer’s expense, in a move that proves he is presidential material after all.

According to reports, the PM will travel with a delegation of all the hangers-on in his office, perhaps including that sick fuck who wants women to shave their heads and never bath again.

His new wife, Sleazy Lizzy, is traveling first class with her Chubby Hubby.

Analysts said by spending taxpayers’ money on a trip that is as pointless as Gono’s doctorate, Tsvangirai is showing he has all the attributes of a president.

Going on useless foreign trips with ridiculously huge delegations of allowance-sucking bastards is very presidential, they said.

“A lot of so-called analysts have always been talking shit, saying the Right Honourable does not have presidential qualities. The women and all that. The homos at eTV even posted a video of him making a fool of himself with all that protocol bullshit in Germany. Look at him now, fools, say something now,” his spokesman, Luke Tamborinyoka, taunted reporters.

Analysts predict it won’t be long before the PM shows even more nice presidential characteristics; like speaking Victorian English, stealing elections, clinging to power, that sort of thing.

98% of Zimbos are literate. Who are the other 2%?

                                                                               Your average Zimbo politician.

According to a newly released report, 98% of the nation is literate. The remaining 2% is made up of politicians.

The Centre for the Deciphering of Inscriptions and Symbols (AKA Reading), said it had conducted extensive research before coming to that shocking conclusion.

“Yes, we can confirm that Unesco has declared Zimbabwe’s literacy rate stands at 98%, the highest on the African continent,” said an expert who looked like he knew what the hell he was talking about.

“We can also confirm that the remaining two percent is made up of MPs and Ministers.”

Asked whether he was not aware that, according to the UN, per capita, Zimbabwe has the world’s highest ratio of PhD Ministers, the expert said: “Take a look around you. Do you see any fucking evidence that this country is run by educated people?”

He pulled out a long list of really dumb shit done by politicians over recent times, from all that whole diesel-from-a-rock buffoonery in Chinhoyi to everything that comes out on ZBC between 8 and 9PM every fucking night. 

But he put it all away very fast because he quickly realised that the 98% who are literate would still vote for the 2% who are dimwits at the next election and these ass-swipes would become MPs, ministers and so forth and he'd be up to his eyeballs in shit.

MPs however said they welcomed the report. One Minister said he was proud that so many people in the country were able to read and write, even if he himself hasn’t the foggiest idea how to do so.

The VP talks bull....

Faithful bulls are no fun 

Women, listen carefully.

Now, if a whole Vice President, a whole war veteran, who shot down a whole helicopter with her AK47, was washing her philandering husband’s feet, then who the hell are you to be complaining about your hubby's cheating?

Listen to the most powerful woman in the country speak: “I did not stop washing by husband’s feet, even when he had done wrong”.

Doing "wrong" here means sleeping around with a few chicks. Beatter, the fat one with the Fanta-face and big ass and the humungous boobies for a general to rest his weary head on. Or Prevalence, the talkative, skinny Rhumba dancer known for climbing up the railings at Rufaro stadium every Sunday to wiggle her skinny ass for Dynamos.

In fact, according to the VP, you women should do nothing about your husbands’ philandering. OK? Just sit down and wash his feet.

Here’s how she puts it: “Kana pamba pako uine bhuru reBrahman, dzichienda kudhibhi haugone kuritaurira kuti servicer (mombe) yekwanhingi usaservicer yekwanhingi.” (interpretation: let bulls roam free)

In fact, while Brahman is servicing all sorts of cows, he gets his spies to trail your ass, making sure you don’t go out to find your own service. That’s what the VP said.

In other words, just let your hubbies, in the deep, philosophical words of the Notorious BIG, “fuck bitches”.

When he comes home in the morning, reeking of liquor and wild pussy, wash his feet and shut your mouth.

And, yet, here you are, you ‘modern woman’, talking out your ass about ‘hee in these days of HIV, hee no to violence against women’.

You women thought you had progressed? No. You are falling backwards into deep backward shit.

And the Brahmans? They roam the fields, looking for random plum heifers to service. Why not?

Women, if our VP can wash the hooves of her philandering Brahman, who are you to demand anything better?

Who are you? Are you a Vice President of a country? No? Did you ever shoot down a helicopter with an AK47? No? Then sit your ass down then.

Shut the hell up and watch those who are Vice Presidents, and those who shot down choppers, peel back all those gains you women figured you had won.