VP endorses corruption, wins succession battle

Mai Mujuru has easily wrapped up the succession battle after she declared her support for corruption.
She is currently acting president, standing in for the Great Leader, who is away and has become only a frequent visitor to the country.
In a strategically strategic strategy, Mai Mujuru was quoted complaining about newspapers writing too much about corruption and stuff, as if stealing from the people has suddenly become a crime or something.
What a masterstroke! After her remarks, hundreds of excited big fat chefs have now jumped ship from the other faction of big fat chefs to her own faction of big fat chefs.
“We used to doubt her, but now she has removed all doubts,” said one big, fat chef. “We want a leader that sticks to party principles, such as corruption. Or, at least, making sure newspapers stay out of our business. It's hard to steal while people are looking.”
Already, detractors and losers are already spreading jealous, malicious reports. “No, it is not true," said a spokesman. "The VP did not sit on an iPhone and turn it into an iPad.”

Chombo clarifies Zanu policy on corruption

Just when Zanu officials were beginning to get confused about whether their party had suddenly changed one of its main policies, Cde Chombo has held a press conference to clarify issues.

"Let there be no doubt. There has been no change to our principles. Contrary to recent indications, robbing the people remains official party policy," he announced. "We're a party that is not easily shifted from its principles by a few malcontents."

Over the past few weeks, unscrupulous state media journalists and a few obviously misguided elements in government have spoken out against big, fat, greedy chefs, from parastatals to city councils. All this unusual noise was beginning to confuse big, fat greedy Zanu chefs, who are used to being encouraged to steal.

Thankfully, Cde Chombo has ended all such fears. After the Harare mayor fired the town clerk for refusing to tell residents how much he was paying himself, Cde Chombo reversed the move and scolded the mayor for demanding "transparency", a silly term obviously created by imperialists to spy on our chefs, who must obviously be allowed to loot to cushion themselves from the effects of sanctions, and to eat all the fruits of Independence on behalf of the people.

"Phew," sighed one big, fat, greedy chef, wiping sweat from his big bald head with a silk handkerchief that he bought in Dubai. Or was it Kuala Lumpur? Maybe Hong Kong. Possibly Macy's in New York. Zurich maybe? He can't remember.
Visibly relieved, the chef said: "We were beginning to wonder whether stealing from the people had suddenly become a crime in this country."

Zanu sues MDC for stealing its excuses

Zanu-PF is suing the MDC for copyright infringement after Tsvangirai’s supporters claimed white racists and shadowy Western governments were behind a plot to oust Tsvangirai.

A few MDC elements, obviously the misguided type, say the credibility of their party is falling faster than Morgan’s trousers, and they want him out. But Tsvangirai’s loyal supporters say all this is driven driven by mafikizolos and their foreign handlers. Another MDC chef blamed "ex-Rhodesian land barons" for all this talk.

The Director of Tsvangirai’s Bootlicking Council said: “All these mafikizolos are being driven by their foreign handlers. Our leader Save shall rule the MDC until trees grow breasts.” At which point such trees would obviously be cut down because they would cause some distraction to the leadership. Obviously.

All this talk by the MDC of Rhodesians and Western interference has made Zanu angry. The party said only its leader can use imaginary plots by shadowy Western forces as an excuse to cling to power. Without racist foreign powers, Zanu will be left with no imaginary enemies to fight with.

“That’s the problem with parties that have no policies of their own,” said MuDidymus, a top Mugabe ass-licker, who hates all other ass-lickers because he believes nobody can lick ass the way he can lick ass. “Always imitating. First, they steal our bootlicking. Then they stole our intolerance. Now they’re even stealing our lame excuses. We must stop them. Already, people can no longer tell the difference.”

Shocking news: 89-year-old teacher is still at work

The nation of Zimbabwe is in shock after it was discovered that an 89-year old teacher is still on the government payroll. 

It has also been discovered that, like all other teachers desperate to supplement their income, the 89-year old teacher has been getting extra cash by ruling the country in his spare time.

“Sometimes, when he needs extra cash, he goes to run the country,” according to an audit report. "His moonlighting has gone on for 33 years now."

Some senior civil servant public service commission whatwhat guy confirmed the retirement age in government is 65: “The said teacher will be 90 next year, by which time he would have been illegally getting a salary for 25 years.”

The teacher commented: “I retired from teaching long ago. I need extra money, like other teachers. So what's wrong with me supplementing my meagre teacher's salary by running the country, occasionally?”

He denies suggestions that his moonlighting has gone on too long.

Whole country celebrates unbroken hymen

After months of bad news, the nation finally got some much-needed good news when it was announced that the First Daughter was still a virgin.

"The First Hymen remains unbroken!" the First Madam announced. 

News of the purity of the First Virgin has been received with much celebration across the country. People from All Walks of Life ran around the streets, singing and shouting for joy, cars hooted and there were fireworks. A public holiday was declared.

News that the First Membrane remained unbroken restored confidence in the economy. There was enough electricity. Water came out of taps. People got jobs. Even sanctions were removed.

A member of the People from All Walks of Life said: "We are excited to hear that the First Hymen remains intact. The status of that membrane is the single most important issue to citizens of this country. We are all very happy now."

In a show of patriotism, many faithful supporters declared they too would emulate the First Family's example.

Said a member of the Women's League: "Even me also, I have now decided to remain a virgin, to set an example to my children."

Power restored to shed light on plotters

Power cuts have ended after an anonymous letter was sent to the President; the letter claimed that unscrupulous meetings plotting against the Great Leader are being held every time there is a power cut.

“When it is dark, Cde President, all these unscrupulous enemies of yours, they take advantage, they gather in dark corners, holding blasphemous and treasonous  and unscrupulous meetings,” said the letter, most likely written by a clever member of the People from All Walks of Life, a shadowy group very familiar to all ZBC news viewers.

Cynic's investigations revealed a regime change agenda. A leaked document from one of the meetings revealed the agenda of one such meeting. At the top of the page, it says: "Agenda: Regime Change". Below that are various regime change agenda items.  

Later, at what officials assured us was a completely unrelated press conference quickly held at the state house joint, The President announced that Zesa had been ordered to stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. “Stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. I am keeping the lights on from now on.”

President: "I'm surprised that people are surprised"



"Wait, whaaaat? New direction? Bwaahahaha...seka zvako mwana waBona"

The Head of State and Government and WhatWhat has called an urgent press conference to express his shock that people are shocked that he has reappointed the same old deadwood to his Cabinet.

“After 33 years of ruling you, I thought all of you would know me by now,” the visibly disappointed Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of Chakuti Chakuti said at State House.

“You know the only thing that’s surprising? The number of times Zimbabweans keep getting surprised at my inability to surprise. The only surprise here is that my people are surprised. Well, if you don’t know me by now...” he said, throwing his hands in the air in disappointment, before explaining his fears that if his people didn't know him by now, they will never, never, never know him.

"All the things, that we've been through," he said. "You should understand me, like I understand you ... I ain't gonna do nuthn, to upset my happy party. Ohh don't get so excited, when I'm announcing a Cabinet, cause you only act like children, when it's surprise you get..."  

When a stupid reporter asked him, “But, oh great Head of State and Government, the people were expecting a new direction ...” he was cut off.

“Look. If I wanted this new direction, don't you think I would have appointed a Minister of New Direction? I’m not silly.”

The People from All Walks of Life, a shadowy group that regularly emerges to “hail” and “welcome” all kinds of shit, appeared on ZBC and said: “We hail this Cabinet. We welcome it. It will usher in a new dispensation, whatever the fuck that means.”