The temptation of Kunonga

 

Nolbert 4:1-12

1. Then Kunonga was led into the wilderness, to be tempted by the devil.

2 And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, only because there was no Nandos nearby, he was hungry

3 And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread

4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by the grabbing of church buildings, and renting them out for many shillings

5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, more accurately the CBD, and sitteth him high on the pinnacle of the Anglican temple,

6 And saith unto him, if thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down to the ground: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

7 Kunonga said unto him, nigga please! I ain't gonna jumpeth for nobody 

And I shall not go down even for you, for I be no homosexual

8 Again, Satan, shaking his head at Kunonga's homo obsession, taketh Kunonga up onto a very high mountain, most probably the Harare kopje, and showeth him all the properties of the Anglican diocese, from the main Cathedral, to Warren Park and Budiriro, and beyond, and the glory of them all;

9 And he said unto Kunonga, All these things will I give unto thee, if thou will fall down and worship me

10 And Kunonga, being pleased with the devil's offer, sayeth unto him, Get thee behind me Satan ... for I shall bend over for you, so you may haveth your way with my fat ass

11 And behold, in exchange for Kunonga's soul, the devil hadeth his way with the bishop's ass

12 And, it came to pass, that even when all the property had soon been removed from Kunonga's hands, so remaineth his ass sore and bruised

 

 

 

 

 

Kids go hungry, women go bald after beer hike



This is how bad things get when your Finance Minister isn't a drinker. Grown-ass men sharing masese from a bucket

Wives will now have to shave their heads and children will have to go without food and school fees after Tendai Biti raised the price of beer.

Biti said he was raising duty on beer in order to fund education. But raising beer prices defeats the purpose, according to experts interviewed at Asina Hembe bar.

"Ok, so you raise beer taxes because you want to fund education. Makes no sense. Why?" said a beer drinker, asking himself a question, before quickly answering it himself before anyone else did. "Because raising beer prices means we cut budgets for everything else. Why?" he asked, again to noone in particular. "This is because it is biologically impossible to cut beer consumption. So what do you do?" he asked again, now becoming a nuisance. "So you reduce your budget on other less important things, like the woman's hair, school fees, food and so forth..."


Mashiripiti Bar appeared deserted on Thursday, but that's just because
the drinkers are drinking in the dark, hiding from wives, etc



ZBC counters media lies with its own lies

ZBC, the most popular TV station in the country, which is also the only TV station in the country, has hired the country’s finest fiction writers to write its news bulletins, in a strategic counter-attacking move against Western lies about our country.

 

The so-called independent Western-funded media’s lies have gone too far, a spokesman for the ZBC said.
One journalist has now been arrested for saying that The Great Leader, currently aged 88, will be a whole 94 years old at the end of his next term of office which starts after he wins resoundingly next year.

 

All doubts about how marvelous The Great Leader is have now been ended after the 8PM news last night, which carried a variety of reports showing how impossibly incredible our leader is, contrary to all the media lies.

 

Here are the headlines:

• The Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces - *newsreader pauses for breath* - is so good at multi-tasking today he killed two stones with one bird.

• Rumours that The Leader can no longer see very well are lies, as he read a speech today with his eyes closed.

• The Wise Leader has urged youths not to succumb to pressure from their peers. His spokesman dismissed suggestions that the only reason His Marvelous Excellency himself does not face peer pressure is because he has no peers. "There are many people his age, but they are in the rural areas, sitting under mango trees all day, snuffing Shamrock, drinking masese and talking shit."

 

In a documentary about his glorious past aired last night, it was revealed that The Great Leader once swallowed a nail and it came out the other end a screw.

In the Quiz section of the news, it was said that the old quiz question of ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg’ is irrelevant. Clearly, The Jongwe was obviously there way before both, because he's the one that impregnated the hen.

And in sports news: “The Great Leader has run the 100metres in 6 seconds, but, after that whole ganja thing, this will not be made public because he does not want to embarrass or offend the Jamaicans once again.”

 

Viewers across the country are glued to their screens, mouths open in wonder and delight, waiting for more news.

 

Dear Aunt Rhoda ... I have a problem



Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the best skin lightener of them all

 

 

Dear Aunt Rhoda,

I have a problem which worries me day and night, like all the problems that people who write to you have.

I am a newly married woman of 35.

I am married to a very powerful man and we recently moved into our new mansion in Highlands, Harare. The house is so big that sometimes we lose each other for hours when we are playing our naughty games of naked hide-and-seek. He calls it a treasure-hunt.

I just cannot trust him. He cheats so much I don’t even know if this baby I’m carrying is his.

There’s a girl in Bulawayo, a woman in Norton, and this mad woman in the paper. Even the Australian Prime Minister and Helen Zille giggle like little girls when they see my man.

He is a man of the people, mostly women.

Given the above, Aunty Rhoda, the question keeping me awake at night is this: What skin lightening cream should I use?

Orange and desperate,
Lizzy.

Dear Lizzy.

Use Deprozona and take Appetito. You’ll soon look as as light skinned as a fake prophet’s wife, and your ass will be so fat people will see it from the front.  Remember, if your husband is who I think he is (wink wink) you need to mind your complexion. He likes them light skinned.

You have serious competition, my dear. The other woman uses $1700 worth of  beauty treatment each month. Go a shade darker than her and she'll be sliding in through those mansion doors faster than a bottle at a Bev strip show.

Good luck.

Your loving Aunt Rhoda

Long-time ruler laughs at relay team

Usain Bolt passing the baton to a team-mate. What a loser!!

A Great Long-time Ruler has expressed shock after he saw members of an Olympic relay team passing the baton.

“Bambo vangu Matibiri iweeehh! What are they doing?” he said, almost spilling his rooibos, which he drinks every day after his usual 73 km evening jog. “Who does that?”

“Eh, Your Magnificent Excellency, Sir,” one of the Great Ruler's people said, his voice trembling. “That is the rule of the race Oh My Great Crocodile. You run your part as best as you can, then you pass on the baton to the next person. Smoothly. That way, the whole team wins.”

A long silence then followed – The Great Ruler looked at his aide, then back at the TV, looked at his aide again, then back at the TV, tea cup in hand, shock on his face. Softly, he then asked: “But why?” Again, the poor guy, staring at the floor, said: “Eh, Sire, that’s the rule of the sport.” But, The Great Ruler  asks, "Why can’t he just run the whole race on his own?"

“Well, he can try, Your Emminence. But he'd look rather silly.”

The Great Leader then said: “Ah, so, in that case, that’s a silly sport ka? A silly sport indeed.” He then laughed himself to sleep: "Heheedeh, huuuri ... pass the baton ... kikikiki ... losers!"

Residents shocked over un-poisoned Harare water

Harare water, without cynanide

Harare residents have expressed shock at news that council water was not already poisonous.

The Herald had reported that some dumb shits at Harare's Morton Jaffray Water Works - who obviously skipped those 'purple triangle means poison' classes in primary school - were about to pour 19 tonnes of sodium cyanide into Harare's drinking water, before some idle driver stopped them.

"We are in shock," one resident said. "So, you mean, all along, our water was not poisoned?"

Other residents expressed shock that council water still existed at all. "We haven't had water here, poisoned or not, for 17 years," some said. "The water shortages would have saved us all", said one resident, wearing a Tsvangirai-in-Australia grin.

Mother's milk is best!

To the left, the soon-to-be-bust Dendairy. To the right, the National Milk.
We found this at an OK outlet. We expect more outlets to be more patriotic

Thousands of milk drinkers are pouring into supermarkets across the country after the much-awaited Alpha Omega milk, freshly squeezed from the prolific cow-boobs of the nation’s First Dairy, finally hit the shelves.

"We had been salivating since Amai talked about the dairy in the Sunday Mail," a guzzler said, waiting in a queue outside an OK Store, and salivating.

Why was the launch of Alpha milk so eagerly awaited?

An analyst explained: "We all want to live long. We hear this is what the Eternally Energetic 88-year-old Man from Zvimba drinks. So, clearly, this milk is going to fly off the shelves at the speed of Morgan's zip."

Shops reported that sales in imported milk have withered and sagged lower than boobs at a Zanu Women's League Congress.

Mango flavoured Appetina.

"Fuck off you Clover, you Parmalat, Danone and you NutriDay and all those other Sethafriken shits. Oh, and a special, double-thick fuck you to Nestle. Refused to take our mother’s milk thinking we couldn’t do it on our own. Bastards!" said one kid who still has milk on the nose.

This will become the national drink, the ZBC reported. It said the milk had been welcomed by People From All Walks Of Life, a secretive organisation of nameless people who appear every night on ZBC news and like to 'castigate' a lot.

A health expert reiterated: "Mukaka waAmai (mother’s milk) is best for her children." He then laughed, realising how lame that statement was.

It is expected that, naturally, Alpha Omega products will now become the compulsory product of choice in all government buildings, where tea time is known to be the highlight of every government worker's day.