The Book of Factions: Verse 1-16

 

 

 

1.       One day two women dumb political factions, came to King Solomon The Fat Speaker, and one of them said:

2.      Mr Fat Speaker Sir, this bitch and I once lived in the same house. Not long ago, my baby party was formed, and years later, they claimed my own party was born. Nobody else was there with us, except maybe a few donors and white farmers and stuff, the usual midwives.

3.      One night while we were all asleep, something we like to do while The Wolves of Zanuland are out there looting and plundering and eating children, she rolled over on her baby, and he died. Well, to be honest, I wrote a nasty letter to her husband and she sent some young people to beat me up kuma-grocer pakazara vanhu.

4.      Then while I was still asleepeth - I told you I like sleeping - she got up and tooketh my party out of my Harvest House. She then went around telling People from All Walks of Life that the baby was hers.

5.      In the morning when I got up to feedeth my son my usual renewal bullshit porridge, I saw that he was dead. But when I looked at him in the light, which was really a candle because Zesa were being sons of bitches as usual, I knew he wasn’t my kid.

6.      “No!” the other bitch shouted. “He was your son. My baby is alive! Shiiiit.”

7.      “The dead baby is yours,” the first chick yelled. “Mine is alive, yoh!”

8.      They argued back and forth in front of the Fat Speaker, like two Avenues hookers – Bibiana and Spathodia - argue in front of a horny ZRP officer, until finally Speaker said unto them bitches, “Bitches! Both of you say this live baby is yours.

9.      Someone bring me a sword.”

10.   A sword – well, more relevantly an okapi, but in actual fact a rather not-so-violent parliament ruling - was brought, and Fat Speaker be like,

11.  “Cut the baby in half! That way each of you motherfuckers can have part of it.”

12.  “Please don’t kill my son,” screamed the so-called baby’s mother. “Mr Fat Speaker Sir, I love him very much. Just don’t kill him.”

13.  The other woman shouted, “Nah bitch, Go ahead and cut the motherfucker fam. Then neither of us will have the baby. If I can’t have him, nobody else can.”

14.  And so Mr Fat Speaker Sir said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her” … And then he said, “Nah, in fact, I’m playing. Cut that kid up…”

15.  And, having been watching through the windows and cheering on the whole thing and smelling blood, the Fat Dirty Bastard Wolves of Zanuland, barking and salivating, came rushing in through the gates and feasted upon the baby’s carcass.

16.  Everyone in the land, a country that used to be called Zimbabwe but has now become Zvimba-bwe after being taken over by a wealthy family from the mysterious Zvimba monarchy, was amazed when they heard how Mr Fat Speaker Sir had made his decision.

Only 2 delegates left for congress



Herald picture showing how neat Zimbo demonstrators are with their placards

After a big number of suspensions and firings and chasing away of many top chefs in the party, it has now been confirmed that only two delegates are now left to attend the December congress.

A spokesman confirmed that only two delegates are left to attend the congress.

Giving details, he said: “Yes. Only two members are left to attend the December congress.”

He also added that even he himself was no longer attending, as he would likely also soon be chased down the streets by crowds of skinny men and large women waving large, neatly printed placards.

Although the spokesman refused to name the two delegates, our sources say the two delegates are a married couple. The man is the owner of the party, and also, he believes, owner of the country. The woman, formerly known as the First Typist, or, more accurately, the real First Secretary, recently acquired a microwave doctorate.

At the congress, the man will go on the podium and shout the slogan ‘Pamberi neni’, punching the air.  The woman, who will be, like, the whole actual crowd, will shout back ‘Pamberi nemi daddy’, raising her fist, but taking care not to shake it too much, lest one drops that platinum-encrusted Cartier watch, the new one from the exclusive Ballon Bleu de Cartier collection, not that cheap Chanel Premiere bought at the Bawadi Mall in Dubai.

Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi...Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi...  This bullshit will continue for three days, an insider said.

People from all walks of life, the shadowy group that appears every night on ZBC to agree with everything, welcomed the development, as they always do.

 ‘This means there will be no more factionalism. Because, as you know, put three Zimbabweans in a room, and they will come out with four factions. So it’s good if only two people attend,’ said a member of the people from all walks of life.

The Triumphal Entry - the Benz Edition

Emmanuel 263: Verse 1-12

NBJ (The New Bling Version)

1. As they approached Jerusalem Harare and came upon the Mount of Olives Harare Kopje, The Prophet sent two disciples henchmen in shiny suits. He sayeth unto them, "Go forth unto the village ahead of you Zimoco Car Dealership, and you will find a donkey 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one with the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter engine. Untie the donkey the Benz and bring it to me. If anyone says anything to you, tell him that the Lord Papa needs it.

2. This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet a fellow prophet: "Say to the Daughters of Zion H-Town, 'See, your king Papa comes to you, gentle and riding on a donkey in a 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one with the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter engine.' "The disciples went and did as Jesus Papa had instructed them.

3. After the exchange of many shillings and shekels and stuff, reportedly 300 000 of them, the disciples broughteth the donkey the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG Benz, and Jesus Papa sat in it. And it was nice. Especially the hot stone massage seats and hand-made leather interior. Very nice.

4. And so a very large crowd spread their cloaks shiny Chinese jackets on the road (most probably Rotten Row), as Jesus Papa rode upon the donkey 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged 6.0-liter AMG Benz into the city. The hot sun beateth hard upon the sweating followers on the roads. But how was Papa to know, when this AMG Benz came with pretty top-spec climate control and a well-stocked fridge and stuff?

5. The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, "Hosanna to the Son of David Papa!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord dressed in skinny jeans, floral Italian shirts and pointy Gucci shoes!"

6. When Jesus Papa entered Harare, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who this nigga be?"

7. The crowds of Vana Vemuporofita answered, "This be Jesus our Papa, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee Hurungwe, originally, but now from Borrowdale Brooke."

8. Jesus Papa entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. So that he alone could be buying and selling there.

9. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. He then put up his own tables of money changing and the benches for selling CDs and DVDs and car stickers and wristbands and badges and badly written pamphlets and stuff.

10. It was written, Papa said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer’. But, he added, y’all know a lot of nonsense was written.

11. And when the Pharisees newspapers and critics saw all this, they were jealous and stuff.

12. And so he left them and went out of the city to Bethany the 5-star Meikles Hotel, where he spent the night. 

The ZanuPedia - Chef Lingo Explained

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MINISTRY OF EXPLAINING COMPLICATED SHIT

It has come to our attention that people from all walks of life are unable to understand what our patriotic leaders mean when they talk.

You all know that our chefs have their kind of language different from that used by the ignorant masses. Therefore, in an attempt to avoid confusion, the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Things is happy to announce this simple guide to help the people decipher chef lingo.

It is called the ZanuPedia.

Herewith some of the more common areas of confusion:

1.       Territorial integrity - ZanuPedia Definition: Owning more than 27 farms and refusing to give up all that territory.

2.       Sovereignty – The ability of chefs to shop overseas.

3.       The gains of the liberation struggle – A chef’s bank account, at least three light-skinned small-houses, and those 27 farms.

4.       Sanctions - An evil spirit that causes leaders to steal and mismanage resources against their will.

5.       Helping Police with investigations – To be detained, usually illegally, and having your balls kicked in, and your soles whipped till you admit to stuff like killing Kaguvi or something.

6.       National Security - Protecting chefs from the hungry masses. It usually involves hiring 45 guards.

7.       Regime Change Agenda - Free elections, free expression, and all that nonsense.

8.       Regime change agent – One who demands above.

9.       Diesel - A magical oily substance that emerges mysteriously from a rock when it is hit by a mysterious female n’anga’s magic stick while grown ass men with no shoes look on in amazement.

10.   Sellout – Any black person who has no farm.

11.   Campaign materials – Clubs, whips, machetes, knives, and some such weapons.

12.   Campaign strategy – Efficient and consistent use of the above.

13.   Indigenisation – Buying without paying.

14.   IndiChinasation – Not to be confused with number 10. This is the sell-off of national assets to China.

15.   Dividing the nation – Exposing corruption

16.   Anti-revolutionary – Also exposing corruption

17.   Unruly elements – People who do 15 and 16

18.   Strong leadership – The ability to eloquently insult white people in the finest English.

19.   Observers/Experts – Imaginary people that appear to journalists in visions.

20. Youth – Anyone below the age of 90

 

More shall be added as we get feedback from People from All Walks of Life.

 By Order:

Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Shit.

 

Don't take me too seriously: Says Highest Excellency!

The Highest Excellency has revealed the reasons he authorized the appointment a man he once accused of corruption to head a big parastatal.

Many people were shocked when Cde Goodwills, once accused and then de-accused of corruption publicly by the Highest Excellency himself, is now the big cahuna at a parastatal where $3-million recently went missing due to patriotic procurement and accounting practices.

Now His Highest Excellency has explained why he appointed the guy:

“There are some people who still take me seriously, so I just wanted to remind them they are being silly,” he said at a press conference.

People from all walks of life, the shadowy group that appears on ZBC a lot, said this was a genius move.

“His Highest Excellency is right. It was a genius move. Nobody should take him seriously after this,” said one person from all walks of life.

LEAKED: The Politburo minutes!

Chairman: I hereby declare the meeting opened.

MuDidymus:  Wait.

Chairman: What for?

MuDidymus: Wait for Rob. You know him. If we start without him, kanoita pamuromo. Talks too much.

Chairman: He’s late. (looking at his watch, the Rolex he got as a bribe by a hotel company while still Tourism Minister)

Fat Obert: But why is this old man always late bakithi? We have things to do.

Ignatius wemaStands: Ehe. Some of us have things to do?

Le Crocodile: Like what?

Ignatius wemaStands: You know, looting etc, the usual stuff.

Fat Obert: I bet you can’t loot like me.

Ignatius wemaStands: I bet I can. I will give you my $80-million airport road for your little $10-million Chiadzwa bribe. Beat that.

Fat Obert: Oh yeah? Well, what if tell you that $10-million was from one company. There’ve been 12 licenses. Do the maths, Gina.

(At which point, the situation deteriorates, with others joining in. Webster over there with his secret ZBC loans, MuDidymus over here with his 67 farms, others with tales of stolen diamonds, stolen food, zvikwambo and so forth. All chaotic, really!)

Fat Obert: This old man needs to shape up. He can’t be keeping us here like this. Bullshit. Who the hell does he think he is? Nonsense.

(At that point, Rob the boss walks in)

Fat Obert: Your Excellency! My dear father! Me, your ever obedient son, I was getting worried that some horrific misfortune had befallen your wondrous self. Oh, the sight of you warms my large rectum. Even men with no arms applaud your magnificence. Oh my dear fath…

Rob: (Interrupting)… Ok, ok, Obby, that’s enough for the day.

(The others rise and sing a song in Rob’s praise – some song about a mighty slayer of imperialists, giver of farms, producer of milk etc)

Chairman: May I now call this meeting to order. We have no idea why we have been called. That’s not a problem, because we need not think too much. In fact, we need not think at all. His Excellency, in his abundant geniusness, does that for us. Over to you, Your Eminently Eminent Eminence.

Rob: (after a long pause – in which he adjusts his glasses, claps, rocks in his chair, generally pausing for effect while surveying the effect the senseless suspense is having on his henchmen) Well. (claps hands again). I guess all of you came here wondering what I, your leader, called you in for.

All: Yes, yes! Speak to us, Your Excellently Excellent Excellency!

Rob: Well. All this corruption and faction stuff. Madam Spillblood over there, she got her fairly large knickers in a twist over this. Now, the question is, who here is corrupt?

(across the room, people stare at each other, confused)

MuDidymus: (whispering). Eh, Your Graciously Gacious Graciousness, is this a trick question?

Rob: No. Why?

MuDidymus: Because, Almighty Thundering Conqueror, you are asking if any of us is corrupt.

Rob: Yah. So?

MuDidymus: Ah, My Lordship, I think you meant to ask who among us is NOT corrupt.

Rob: (after thinking about it for a bit). Good point, Dhidhidhi, good point. Anyway, so, who here is NOT corrupt?

(Long pause. Then, at the back of the room, a hand goes up).

Rob: What is it, Jono? Are you not corrupt?

Jonnie the Prof: You mean am I corrupt, Sire?

Rob: OK, are you NOT corrupt?

Jonnie the Prof: Am I corrupt, or am I not corrupt? What is your actual question? Ask a good question, get a good answer. You don’t need a rocket scientist to…

Rob: (Interrupts, annoyed) Oh forget it. Goddam fake intellectuals. Anyway, I said I want to know if anyone here is not corrupt.

All: (in chorus) NO, SIR, ALL OF US ARE DIRTY GREEDY ROTTEN BASTARDS! Sir.

Rob: Nice. So, you tell me (banging desk, but avoiding hurting himself) Who the hell has been going to the papers with all this corruption bullshit? As if corruption is suddenly illegal in this country. Who?!

(All eyes turn to the back of the room)

Jonnie the Prof: What?

Rob: Madam Spillblood here says you leaked the whole thing.

Jonnie the Prof: But who takes her seriously?

(at which point, Madam Spillblood leaps up angrily and sits on Jonnie the Prof’s face and Rob laughs until he has a mild heart attack and his special medics are called but they get stuck in traffic coz lights aren’t working and there's a huge hole from a pipe burst on the appropriately named Rotten Row which the city council can't fix because they had no money left after paying council chefs' salaries at which point Ignatius wemaStands is asked to explain himself but he’s on the phone to some poor guy who is refusing to hand over his stand and Ignatius is threatening to have him thrown in fucking boiling oil and Fat Obert is on the phone asking Zinara if they have finished building the road to his house in Umguza and all this while MuDidymus is up now spraying some mysterious juju liquid all over everyone and mumbling some scary vadzimu shit …all chaotic really. This shit goes on for, like, hours, man. Hours.)

Rob: I’m OK. I’m OK. Madam Spillblood, get off the boy. Jono, get up from under there. Stand in the corner. Where was I?

Fat Obert: My father, you were asking who told the media we are thieves, as if it has suddenly become a crime in this country

Rob: Shut up Obert. So who told the media we are thieves, as if it has suddenly become a crime in this country?

The Spokesman: The press is waiting outside, My Lord. What lies should I tell them? It is midnight and so they’re obviously thinking we must be doing something important, whereas we are up to our usual nonsense.

Madam Spillblood: (Regaining her composure) Tell them nothing.

Le Crocodile: I agree.

Madam Spillblood: Pfutseke. Stop agreeing with me.

Rob: Tell them this - the politburo was discussing economic issues up to midnight. Salaries, the liquidity crisis, jobs, water, ZESA, roads, crops, hospitals and all that other nonsense people complain about for some reason. Then … (Rob pauses for effect, like a comedian about to unleash a killer punchline) … Tell them this; We are even going to arrest people for corruption.

All chefs: (loud laughter from everybody – fat men and women rolling in the floor with laughter) That’s a good one, Your Bright and Shining Eminence; that’s a good one. You have the funniest jokes. You are the funniest president. Bwahahaha. The economy?? Workers? Arrest people for corruption?! Bwahaha. Genius!  

Chairman: Meeting dismissed.

And not a single fuck was given that day.


 

Break-in at Zanu HQ, tactics stolen

There has been a break-in at Zanu headquarters and all its tactics have been stolen.
The MDC is the chief culprit after they were seen openly using them.

Zanu's favourite file, the violence one, the one labeled ‘If you Can’t Beat Them – Beat Them’, has pages missing.
Also missing at Zanu PF HQ are several other several other tactics files:

‘The Ultimate Guide to Licking the Dear Leader’s Ass’  file has pages missing. Many of Zanu’s usual sycophantic praises have been stolen, even the old ‘Our Leader was Chosen By God’, which was last seen with one Chamisa in Budiriro. Even the one about Our Leader is Like Moses, which Zanu no longer uses after it was pointed out that Moses never really made it to Canaan.

The When All Else Fails, Blame Western Donors for Interfering in Our Internal Affairs file has also been stolen. Morgan is a suspect after he was seen enthusiastically reading from it at a rally.

The old Fire Anyone That Dares Suggest The Chosen One Has Stayed Too Long And Must Step Down file, has also been stolen.

Police are appealing to anyone who may have information leading to the recovery of these stolen tactics.
"As if they don’t know," said a member of the People From All Walks Of Life organization.