Starting your own church. Your ultimate guide!

I am starting my own church. Especially now that I have a pink suit and pink croc shoes.

I mean, surely, how hard can this be?

Check-list:

THE SHINY SUIT: White one. Or Silver. Or the pink kit I'm wearing above. I look pastoral. Double vent, so it bobs around when I swing about on stage. Silver waistcoat inside.

Some 13 minutes into the sermon, remove jacket and hand it to sycophant helper. You know, the brother who wears a red shirt with his collar outside his jacket to church and is always following the pastor around? Yes, that one. The old ‘mufundisi vabvisa bhachi manje’ tactic has been known to whip up the crowd. It says ‘look, the pastor has taken off his jacket; he's about to make a real go at it now’. Even though you’re talking shit.

THE POINTY SHOES: White in colour. Or beige. I’ve seen red. But even the weirdest nutjob pastors stay the fuck away from red shoes. Especially pointy, red shoes. White socks too.

THE CHURCH'S NAME: Now, whatever you do, remember, this part is important. Under no circumstances must the name of your church not have a ‘Ministries’ or an ‘International’ in it. I mean, where the fuck is your ambition? ‘Anglican Church’? How boring is that name? Really? Try Soul Crying to Heaven Ministries International, you bastards! Or Holy Overflow Deliverance Ministries Global International. Christ Intersection Global. Heaven Embassy. Or something.

THE POSTERS: Wear your suit. Stand next to a woman. She must be light skinned. All pastors’ wives are light skinned. Ehe. Fact! Not one poster have I ever seen with a pastor next to a dark skinned woman. Print gazillions of posters. Paste them, by night, on street lamps, trees. On the durawalls. Outside seedy bars like Vito Red Room in Mbare. On the toilets at Copacabana taxi rank. Everywhere.

This dude I saw on First Street in Harare is on the right track!

THE BAND: Can’t form a church without a band, now, can we? Get a few sisters. You know the ones, handiti? The ones that can’t sing for shit but because they are “sisters in the Lord”, no one says a word and people suffer in silence every Sunday and they call themselves the Holy Sweet Melodious Voices of Heaven group and are always asking for offering money to record? Yah, those ones. Get a few guys who can hold a guitar. They don’t really need to know how to actually play. And, the most important one, the key board! Amplifier, speakers, even if you meet in a classroom so tiny that the brother in the back is so close he can smell your sweat.

THE LINGO: Church people have their own language. Like, they don’t say, ‘ngatisimuke tinamate’. They say ‘mumwe nemumwe asimuke netsoka dzake (?) akotamise uso hwake achisvika pakunamata.’ ('let's stand on our feet ...') Tell people what they want to hear. Tell the poor they are poor because they aren’t praying hard enough. Or are not 'giving' enough. Tell them to believe for a Benz. Then make them buy one and tell them you'll drive it on their behalf.

THE OFFERING BASKETS: Do I need to spell out the importance of these things? Do I? No? Good.

Almost set. And now, another important part; Do you have a local language name? No. That won’t do. Remember, from now on, you shall be known by your first name. And it must be English. Always. Pastor John. Pastor Peter. Pastor Ron. Ever heard of Pastor Ticharwa? No. Ok, there’s Pastor Mboro, but that doesn’t count.

Now, go out there and perform miracles.