ZBC counters media lies with its own lies

ZBC, the most popular TV station in the country, which is also the only TV station in the country, has hired the country’s finest fiction writers to write its news bulletins, in a strategic counter-attacking move against Western lies about our country.

 

The so-called independent Western-funded media’s lies have gone too far, a spokesman for the ZBC said.
One journalist has now been arrested for saying that The Great Leader, currently aged 88, will be a whole 94 years old at the end of his next term of office which starts after he wins resoundingly next year.

 

All doubts about how marvelous The Great Leader is have now been ended after the 8PM news last night, which carried a variety of reports showing how impossibly incredible our leader is, contrary to all the media lies.

 

Here are the headlines:

• The Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces - *newsreader pauses for breath* - is so good at multi-tasking today he killed two stones with one bird.

• Rumours that The Leader can no longer see very well are lies, as he read a speech today with his eyes closed.

• The Wise Leader has urged youths not to succumb to pressure from their peers. His spokesman dismissed suggestions that the only reason His Marvelous Excellency himself does not face peer pressure is because he has no peers. "There are many people his age, but they are in the rural areas, sitting under mango trees all day, snuffing Shamrock, drinking masese and talking shit."

 

In a documentary about his glorious past aired last night, it was revealed that The Great Leader once swallowed a nail and it came out the other end a screw.

In the Quiz section of the news, it was said that the old quiz question of ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg’ is irrelevant. Clearly, The Jongwe was obviously there way before both, because he's the one that impregnated the hen.

And in sports news: “The Great Leader has run the 100metres in 6 seconds, but, after that whole ganja thing, this will not be made public because he does not want to embarrass or offend the Jamaicans once again.”

 

Viewers across the country are glued to their screens, mouths open in wonder and delight, waiting for more news.