Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Shocking news: 89-year-old teacher is still at work



The nation of Zimbabwe is in shock after it was discovered that an 89-year old teacher is still on the government payroll. 

It has also been discovered that, like all other teachers desperate to supplement their income, the 89-year old teacher has been getting extra cash by ruling the country in his spare time.

“Sometimes, when he needs extra cash, he goes to run the country,” according to an audit report. "His moonlighting has gone on for 33 years now."

Some senior civil servant public service commission whatwhat guy confirmed the retirement age in government is 65: “The said teacher will be 90 next year, by which time he would have been illegally getting a salary for 25 years.”

The teacher commented: “I retired from teaching long ago. I need extra money, like other teachers. So what's wrong with me supplementing my meagre teacher's salary by running the country, occasionally?”

He denies suggestions that his moonlighting has gone on too long.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Whole country celebrates unbroken hymen

After months of bad news, the nation finally got some much-needed good news when it was announced that the First Daughter was still a virgin.

"The First Hymen remains unbroken!" the First Madam announced. 

News of the purity of the First Virgin has been received with much celebration across the country. People from All Walks of Life ran around the streets, singing and shouting for joy, cars hooted and there were fireworks. A public holiday was declared.

News that the First Membrane remained unbroken restored confidence in the economy. There was enough electricity. Water came out of taps. People got jobs. Even sanctions were removed.

A member of the People from All Walks of Life said: "We are excited to hear that the First Hymen remains intact. The status of that membrane is the single most important issue to citizens of this country. We are all very happy now."

In a show of patriotism, many faithful supporters declared they too would emulate the First Family's example.

Said a member of the Women's League: "Even me also, I have now decided to remain a virgin, to set an example to my children."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Power restored to shed light on plotters



Power cuts have ended after an anonymous letter was sent to the President; the letter claimed that unscrupulous meetings plotting against the Great Leader are being held every time there is a power cut.
“When it is dark, Cde President, all these unscrupulous enemies of yours, they take advantage, they gather in dark corners, holding blasphemous and treasonous  and unscrupulous meetings,” said the letter, most likely written by a clever member of the People from All Walks of Life, a shadowy group very familiar to all ZBC news viewers.

Cynic's investigations revealed a regime change agenda. A leaked document from one of the meetings revealed the agenda of one such meeting. At the top of the page, it says: "Agenda: Regime Change". Below that are various regime change agenda items.  
Later, at what officials assured us was a completely unrelated press conference quickly held at the state house joint, The President announced that Zesa had been ordered to stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. “Stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. I am keeping the lights on from now on.”

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

President: "I'm surprised that people are surprised"



"Wait, whaaaat? New direction? Bwaahahaha...seka zvako mwana waBona"

The Head of State and Government and WhatWhat has called an urgent press conference to express his shock that people are shocked that he has reappointed the same old deadwood to his Cabinet.
“After 33 years of ruling you, I thought all of you would know me by now,” the visibly disappointed Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of Chakuti Chakuti said at State House.

“You know the only thing that’s surprising? The number of times Zimbabweans keep getting surprised at my inability to surprise. The only surprise here is that my people are surprised. Well, if you don’t know me by now...” he said, throwing his hands in the air in disappointment, before explaining his fears that if his people didn't know him by now, they will never, never, never know him.

"All the things, that we've been through," he said. "You should understand me, like I understand you ... I ain't gonna do nuthn, to upset my happy party. Ohh don't get so excited, when I'm announcing a Cabinet, cause you only act like children, when it's surprise you get..."  
When a stupid reporter asked him, “But, oh great Head of State and Government, the people were expecting a new direction ...” he was cut off.

“Look. If I wanted this new direction, don't you think I would have appointed a Minister of New Direction? I’m not silly.”
The People from All Walks of Life, a shadowy group that regularly emerges to “hail” and “welcome” all kinds of shit, appeared on ZBC and said: “We hail this Cabinet. We welcome it. It will usher in a new dispensation, whatever the fuck that means.”




Wednesday, August 14, 2013

To my sweetest Locadia: I am sorry



My sweetest Locadia,

Time and ability plus double faculty has propelled me to fish out my ballpoint pen from the deep basket of love to send you this mesmerising missive. 

Ok, now I know you wondering 'why is Moggy now writing this weeping letter on this innocent sheet of paper after he treat me like that?'. Let me get straight to the point and stop being noxious by going from the mutondo tree to the musasa tree as the elders said. Let me stop hitting the dog while concealing the handle of the hoe, as the other elders also said.
Procrastination is the thief of time, as the British say.

Dear, Locadia, I am sorry. I am sorry like you don’t ever know, dhiya.

The woman I married, we live together, but no love anymore. We are like railway tracks; parallel and going together but never meet. She is so cantankerous. The time I saw her sexful emails to her axe  
boyfriend in the paper I went sad like I just hit a pena overbar after 90 minutes.

Please feel sorry for me. Give me your forgiveness. Dig deep in your mine of love and let the ore of love flow to me on a conveyor belt of forgiveness, landing in the burning furnace of my heart to be refined into pure nuggets of golden passion. 

I don’t know why I married that person. I wanted you. Please put the sugar in my sour tea and take me back.

Loki, if you refuse me, I shall take Robert’s advice and you find me hanging from the tallest branch of the nearest habros tree. 

Even as I write this missive, I think of the sexful geography of your body.  Oh, halleluyah! Just thinking you and I rise to the occasion so fast it look like Nyaminyami himself is hiding in my trouser. That’s what you do to me Loki. You alone.

You are yellow like Buttercup on my bread, come let me spread you nice and devour your yellow beauty. You are orange like fruits, let me squeeze you tight and create good juice like my manifesto. 

The Bible the word of Jesus say ask and it will be opened, knock and you shall find. Something like that. Now, I stand at your door, Loki, knocking. Please open, so that thy humble servant can enter you. 

Locadia, no more funny games. Now I want to make babies in conjunction with you. I want a coalition of our two fluttering hearts.
My heart is haranguing me asking why 'Prime Minister of the country, why did you leave Locadia?'. And I say, 'My heart, don't harangue me, I have no answer'.

If only you only know what’s going on in my deeper encephalon you would understand and come to me. Not to mention the way my medulla oblongata is reaching maximum overload with guilty emotion.

Allow me to pen off here because the lawyers have come from the court and they are not looking happy.

I hope my efforts are not too late like a skeleton drinking water.

Please think long and serious. 

XOXO (hugs and kisses all over your contours and regions)

Forever your Prime Minister, whatever they say

Moggy

*SWALK* Sealed with a kiss
 

Monday, July 8, 2013

Zanu announces its own election coalition

Following news that opposition parties are forming coalitions to defeat it in elections, Zanu-PF today laughed and said it was already in a coalition.

Tsvangirai has formed a coalition with Simba Makoni while Welshman Ncube and Dabengwa also formed an alliance. But Zanu said it wasn’t worried, as it was first to form such a coalition.

“We have been doing this for years. We are already in an electoral coalition with many other parties - such as the army, the police, the Registrar General, ZEC, and so forth” a Zanu man said at a news conference. “Let’s see you beat that.”

Details of the coalition are sketchy, but sources said the deal involves the president publicly calling for peaceful elections on one hand, while the army beats up people on the other hand.

Contacted for comment, a political analyst said it was a clever strategy.

In a detailed analysis, the analyst said: “It’s a clever strategy.”

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

PM: I'm not living large - yet.


The PM's pathetic little shack in Highlands

The Prime Minister has denied he is “living large”, saying he would only do that when he becomes President.

The PM told the press that it was not true he was living in luxury. He has a mansion in Highlands, goes on cruise ships on the South Pacific with skin-lightening cream models, and is driven around in a Mercedes-Benz S350. But he says this isn’t living large at all.
This is just rehearsal.
“I am not living large at all," he told reporters at his humble Highlands home. "For that, please wait till I’m president. Then I will no longer go on cruise ships; I will actually own a fucking cruise ship.”

He complained that the house he was living in was valued at just under a million dollars. “Who wants to live in such a shack?” he grumbled, as his wife Sleazy Lizzy nodded at her chubby hubby, saying her husband was only practising being president, with the little that he has.

The PM said: “You call this ‘living large’? You see this shack I’m living in? I’ll have bigger and more of these. This rusty, three-year-old Benz? I’ll have newer and more. This light-skinned wife? I’ll have ...” At which point Lizzy stopped nodding.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Panic as white people spotted in central Harare

There is panic and pandemonium in Harare after various horror-stricken witnesses reported seeing white people in the CBD.

One terrified witness, speaking from the safety of his 4th floor office and looking down into the chaotic streets below, said he didn't know what was happening down there: “I don’t know what’s happening down there,” he said.

Police have rushed in to investigate, and Commissioner Chihuri has addressed a press conference: “Black people of Harare,” he said, reading from a prepared speech. “This is a difficult week for all of y’all, but calm the fuck down. Be strong. Hold on. Hifa will only last a week.”

Witnesses reported white people even on First Street, can you fucking believe it? Asked to give details, one witness said: “There are whites even on First Street. Can you fucking believe it?”

A crowd gathered around a witness who was telling them he had, in fact, actually talked to a white person in the CBD. Giving details, he very proudly said: “Futi futi in fact, me I actually talked to a white person in the CBD.” And people said “heyii, hesss mhaaan”.  
Several black people spotted at Hifa

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Money goes missing after prophets visit

Police have been called in to investigate after Gideon Gono's wallet went missing following a meeting with two well known prophets at the RBZ.

Gono had called the prophets to the country's central bank to explain "miracle money", an innovative new way of creating wealth while sitting on your ass without doing any actual work.

It is reported the wallet carries all that remains of the country's entire wealth.

"Just as the prophets left, Gono checked his wallet. It was gone. Inside the wallet was all the last money the country had," said a source who knows.

Police Spokesman Assistant Commissioner Superitendent Constable Wetkiss Mashure confirmed the incident, but refused with details: "Yes, we can confirm that such an investigation has been reported at such a venue and such an investigation is taking place however such will be disclosed once all such details are gathered so we urge people to just calm the fuck down and go about their daily business."

The two prophets deny ever seeing the wallet, although witnesses claim they saw the two running down Samora laughing.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

VP now mad enough to lead


Recent statements by the Vice President that the President was anointed by God at age 10 to lead the country show that she has now gained the level of lunacy required to lead the party, political analysts have said.

After previous statements denouncing important party principles - such as violence and corruption - people within the party had begun to wonder whether she was the right person to lead. But she has now removed all doubt by demonstrating her ability to say some really silly dumb shit.

“People are wasting their time by opposing President Mugabe. It was prophesied way back in 1934, when he was only 10 years old, that he was going to lead this country. How can a normal person challenge such a leader?” the VP was quoted as saying while speaking to a bunch of Mapostoris.

Her clownish remarks were welcomed by members of her faction.

"Talking out of your ass and acting like a lunatic is a major requirement if you want to rise to senior leadership," a senior official said, before he himself began talking loads of laughable bullshit in a desperate bid to promote himself as a potential leader.