VP endorses corruption, wins succession battle

Mai Mujuru has easily wrapped up the succession battle after she declared her support for corruption.
She is currently acting president, standing in for the Great Leader, who is away and has become only a frequent visitor to the country.
In a strategically strategic strategy, Mai Mujuru was quoted complaining about newspapers writing too much about corruption and stuff, as if stealing from the people has suddenly become a crime or something.
What a masterstroke! After her remarks, hundreds of excited big fat chefs have now jumped ship from the other faction of big fat chefs to her own faction of big fat chefs.
“We used to doubt her, but now she has removed all doubts,” said one big, fat chef. “We want a leader that sticks to party principles, such as corruption. Or, at least, making sure newspapers stay out of our business. It's hard to steal while people are looking.”
Already, detractors and losers are already spreading jealous, malicious reports. “No, it is not true," said a spokesman. "The VP did not sit on an iPhone and turn it into an iPad.”

Chombo clarifies Zanu policy on corruption

Just when Zanu officials were beginning to get confused about whether their party had suddenly changed one of its main policies, Cde Chombo has held a press conference to clarify issues.

"Let there be no doubt. There has been no change to our principles. Contrary to recent indications, robbing the people remains official party policy," he announced. "We're a party that is not easily shifted from its principles by a few malcontents."

Over the past few weeks, unscrupulous state media journalists and a few obviously misguided elements in government have spoken out against big, fat, greedy chefs, from parastatals to city councils. All this unusual noise was beginning to confuse big, fat greedy Zanu chefs, who are used to being encouraged to steal.

Thankfully, Cde Chombo has ended all such fears. After the Harare mayor fired the town clerk for refusing to tell residents how much he was paying himself, Cde Chombo reversed the move and scolded the mayor for demanding "transparency", a silly term obviously created by imperialists to spy on our chefs, who must obviously be allowed to loot to cushion themselves from the effects of sanctions, and to eat all the fruits of Independence on behalf of the people.

"Phew," sighed one big, fat, greedy chef, wiping sweat from his big bald head with a silk handkerchief that he bought in Dubai. Or was it Kuala Lumpur? Maybe Hong Kong. Possibly Macy's in New York. Zurich maybe? He can't remember.
Visibly relieved, the chef said: "We were beginning to wonder whether stealing from the people had suddenly become a crime in this country."